missundastood's picture

Ok.ok.its been a VERY long time since ive been here.i know..dere has been SO much happening in my life..gosh!
im officially declaring myself as a complete bisexual.lets jus say that i ditched BOTH da guys...arnd two months bk itself.( it wasnt working wit either of dem) .
Now heres the real deal: last month,my bestfrnd(S) tels me she has a *thng* for me and wants to do *sumthng* abt it. i was more than happy to hear all this cuz 1) i secretly had a thng for her too. 2) SHEZ HOT!
without considering anythng else,v decided to persue a so-called relationship together.
now heres da catch: she has a boyfrnd too.
yepp.u read right.i never gave it a thought n nor did she.v thought it would all be cool..all v have to do is hide it frm him rite?
well...turns out,i have a feeling named JEALOUSY in me. b4 i knew it,i started developing possesiveness n getting jealous of her guy.i was ashamed n confused.ashamed cuz i knew wht i was feeling is wrong...and i always loved her boyfrnd...i thought they were perfect for each other.but now,i feel this pang of happiness evry time she tels me she had a fight with him or somethng...does that tell U somethng?or am i jus imagining this jealousy thng?
+ i am confused bcuz i really do not know what i should do about it.
i told my guy bestfrnd A abt it(a bisexual himself). he tells me that its completely normal to feel this way about the whole thing cuz its like im sharing her with him. and trust me,that thought just KILLS me.
lemme also mention that S also feels jealous too when i talk to my OTHER bestfrnd D.(note: i had once hooked up wit D and S noes abt it).
Eventually,i spoke to S all abt it.she,surprisingly,took it all well.she says she understands what i am going through cuz she herself feels jealous when im with D. we then decided that we will just have to LIVE WITH IT cuz v obviously cant do anythng abt it.i cant leave her...nor can she.
NOW whts being happening is...S seems to hide a lot frm me.i know that cuz she has been telling our other bestfrnd K abt her stuff and K came up 2 me n kinda hinted dat she knows thngs i DONT. im upset and torn. i WANT S to temme thngs!but K tels me dat obviously S wunt temme most of the thngs now,cuz she is NO MORE my *best frnd*,she is now my *girlfrnd*. and u dont tell ur boyfrnd or gurlfrnd evrythng,do u?
it is actually very hard for me to accept this shift of roles.i am so used to her telling me thngs...its kinda weird dat now she doesnt.but i must admit,there are a few thngs evn i dunt tell her.why?cuz maybe i am afraid she might JUDGE me on it.or maybe i dont want us to argue on our differing opinions?i was never afraid to tell her my opinions abt thngs earlier...v used to fight and then end up accepting each others views on certain thngs.just like NORMAL bestfrnds.but now,i try n AVOID talking abt heavy stuff cuz im afraid v mite end up fiting n i dunt want our relationship to get affected anyhow.
K tells me that it is equally hard for S also.she is also very confused abt the whole thng...
She too,misses our frndship,jus the way i do...
But i realise its too late nw...v can talk abt it,but v surely cant bring bak what WAS. i mean, evn if we *break up*, u think v can return to being normal bestfrnds again??i dunt tink so. + even if v try,its gonna take maybe 2-3 THAT time,she will be GONE for college to India.(cuz our school is ending by march).
And trust me,i dunt wana mess up thing more for both of us NOW atleast.not when there r hardly any months for her over here. i wana make the best of all these remaining days.i wana love her,adore her,admire her...thats all dat i want.
But K tells me that one day or the other, i have to talk it out to her about all dis...u noe,about our lost friendship n all...
Its sad...i noe.losing a frnd like dat.but v just thought that THIS would bring us more closer to one another.
But all we got is fights,fights and more fights.
I dunt wana break up.i dunt care if i have to share her.(who am i kidding??!of course i do! u get the drift,dunt ya?)I just want to spend the rest of the months loving her...cuz believe me,making love wit her,is the BEST FUKING THING IN THIS WORLD.
Urgh!Her lucky boyfrnd!
atleast HE can declare to the world that she is HIS,and show her off proudly.i cnt evn do that! only 3 pple know about this thing of ours: A,K and M(my gurlfrnds best guy frnd-->bisexual himself)
I will talk to her...but not now.
but sometyms i dont get her...this is what happened after school 2dey:
i was standing near our buses woth K n her...and i jokingly told her,"god,S! can u like,not give love bites on such obvious places?!pple are asking me questions!"
and then shes like,"well,lemme tell u...its not gonna happen ever fact,NOTHING is gonna happen b/w us ever again."
I was shocked.i looked at K for ressurance: did i hear right?K's face said : i so dunt noe wht she is talking about!she looked equally confused.
i swallowed hard and i quickly said,"i have to go,the buses will leave", n then i say bye n walk off.
Its so weird...i understand shes confused,but why does she have so say such thngs?
later on in the aftrnoon,K calls and tells me dat S dint mean it at all...she was just *messing arnd*.
Im jus wishing i go numb rite nw...i dun wana evn think about all this.