It's been awhile. I'm writing this because I feel that I have something to get off of my chest, even though it's just redundant and probably just irrelevent.
I broke up with my girlfriend right after Thanksgiving. The story goes that I'm bisexual, I went out with this one boy for a year and for that year I talked to her on the side. We were best friends. But because of my ex-boyfriend, I never saw her as much as I should have, and was just a shitty person because I was all about him. When I broke up with him, a lot of my time went to her, and we had our own thing.
We've been off and on since about April. Or we were. And all the fights and arguments we would get into, would go back to my past relationship with this boy. Everything got blamed on me, and it all had some way of having to do with him. And I understood, I fucked up. Big time. But I had paid my dues on my own time, and she was just making me relive it. She dwelled more into my past than I wanted to.
Basically, she just was never going to be able to let it go. So we had our fights, and generally, I would find a way to temporarily resolve them before we got flung back into it. And finally, I just had so many worries. We had broken up in October because it came down to the question as to whether she actually still had feelings for me. After a long argument and a lot of tears, she told me that she was only with me because she didn't want to lose me as a friend. Yeah, that hurt.
She came around, told me that she was sure, and we got back together not that long afterwards. We got into the same old fights, but it was just routine. I got sick of it. Every fight that she instigated was somehow my fault, and I had to resolve it. And it just wasn't fair. And then I just was afraid that she didn't love me, she just loved being in a relationship. With whoever it made be. So I brought that up to her, and the SAME argument that had happened a month before - happened again. Twice, she told me that she was only with me because she didn't want to lose me. And then the killing line :
"I thought that given the time and the effort, my feelings would come flooding back. But you just can't force it."
I wanted to shoot myself. I really did, as pathetic as that sounds. It was just the most hurtful thing I've ever had to endure hearing.
It's been...a few weeks since then. We don't talk, we don't see each other, we hardly make eye contact if we do. Tuesday, I found out she liked this new girl. It had been about two weeks. And maybe it's just me, and maybe I'm just crazy and naive - but if you loved someone, it does not take two weeks to forget that and completely move on. I don't know, I was just so convinced that that was so fucked up. I was hurt. Again. And I honestly dont think she cares. She goes about her life as if it wasn't was loss whatsoever, and I'm struggling with keeping my head above the water.
I wish she would just feel something.