The twisted tale of my life

the ghost's picture

Well it's been a while since I made a journal on here.Well actually I'm not sure how long.It just feels like ages.I've mostly been doing assignments for college,pretty much continuosly for the last few weeks ,it hasn't been to enjoyable.But in between that I've had some stuff going on a little bit in the background of my life at the moment.I made friends with a new guy at college this year.His name is Sean.He is a lovely guy.From the start of our friendship I sort of got the feeling he was attracted to me.We hung out a lot and I was proved correct because he told me how he felt.But I just told him I think he is lovely but I don't see him as anymore than a friend.That was a couple of months ago.We still hang out loads and he still has a big crush on me which I can do nothing about because I have been clear on how I feel about him.But I always feel a little awkward around him now,because I feel like he is holding out some sort of hope that something might happen.He likes to hug me a lot and can be a bit touchy feely,not in a i'm going to rape you kind of way though.Don't get me wrong there but i always feel like he is trying to get closer to me.He is a great guy and I really hate that I feel like I am hurting him.My other friend always points out how much she can see that he really is crushing on me.So I find myself going out of my way to be nicer to him just because I don't want to hurt him.Like I went to a movie with him tonight,not because I really wanted to,I was tired,but because I knew he really just wanted to hang out with me.The way we are when we hang out also seems to give the impression to other people that we are a couple.A few other people presumed we were.It feels kind of weird like we are going out but we aren't.It's some sort of pseudo-relationship.

I know I could solve this,or clear it up a bit by just telling him I'm into girls.But lately I haven't wanted to.I just haven't wanted to tell anyone.I don't know if I'm just being a coward or slipping back into some denial or what exactly it is.Part of me isn't100% sure i'm totally gay.So i guess I hate comitting to that lable if I come out.I don't really care that much anymore which it is.But other people seem to care and seem to think you have to.I don't know I guess I'm a little mixed up at the moment.I fund myself thinking last night,how much easier it would be if I just never got involved with anyone.Obviously thats not really a realistic option,it was just a passing a thought.

On the other hand I've mentioned my other friend ,(i'm just going to call her Sara),a while back who I think i'm sort of crushing on.She is the friend that I've mentioned loads who I think she is gay,think she knows I am but things are a bit up in the air about who knows what.Which I know is kind of silly but i'm not sure how to handle the situation.We have been getting a lot closer in the last few weeks.We talk to each other everyday.From first thing in the morning either with a call or text to last thing at night to say goodnight to each other.She has been really great over the last few weeks too because I was so stressed with work and college.She listened to me stressing and helped e calm down and stuff.There definitly feels like there is something more between us.But I think we are both to scared to act on it.But then I'm not sure if I am just seeing something there coz I want to or if there actually is.We went to a gig a couple of weeks ago.It was just me and her,no other friends.It was kind of a queerish gig and there were lots of lesbian couples around.It would have been the perfect time to make a move and it sort of felt like I should have,but I was just so unsure.So I just don't know!

Well anyways I'm really tired now so I think I'll go listen to Tegan and Sara.Laters peoples!


SilentBlue's picture


Make a moooove! A smooth move! (on the girl, not the boy) You already told the boy you are not interested, so there really is not a whole lot else to do for him I guess...