Recently, my mother found and watched two lesbian movies on my computer, Saving Face and When Night is Falling (both of which are superb lesbian movies that trump all of the ones I've seen before--WNiF definitely earns my award for best lovemaking scene).
It was a considerable nightmare.
My dad stopped the car in a parking lot.
He told me the provisions if I decided "to be a weird person," which included being cut off financially and in name from the family.
My mother talked to me the night before, when I foolishly almost came out to her (but thankfully didn't), and it surmounted into a screaming fest by the evening after.
I have promised to be straight forever and ever. I am not supposed to have any contact with anyone from the GLBTQI community. I will definitely not be downloading lesbian movies ever again.
The dilemma is that I may not know who I am, but I know who I am not. I am not straight. I am not going to have a normal life. At the very least, I know these things.
I don't think I'll be able to "settle down" into a heterosexual relationship right now. I have too many pent up feelings for girls. I want to explore in the most honest of ways, not because I'm not sure if I'm gay, but because I know I am not straight.
Do I hate my parents? No. They are only trying to steer me in the direction of the best life they know, although I may not agree with it.
They said they don't want to invest time, money, and love in "trash." I intend on applying to some prestigious universities this time next year, and without their financial support, I don't know where I'd be.
I don't want to live a lie, but I also value my family. I know my father will follow through with everything he says, and they will take out their frustration and pressure and put it on my siblings.
On top of this, the GSA my friend and I started has taken off. We've already had two meetings, and our members seem to be leaning towards advocacy, which means more publicity for us, which becomes more publicity for me.
I don't know what I'd do if my parents saw me in the paper (which they don't read) or got wind of it through some of their friends. However, I would never abandon Spectrum and the gay community. This fight we are fighting has become an intrinsic part of who I am, being a source of strength and weakness at the same time.
No matter which road I take, every step will hurt. I don't know if lying to my parents is worse than denying myself this part of my identity.
Am I doing this because I want my parents to see my worth as a human being despite my sexuality or just so I have financial security?
It is an ongoing battle within me that I am not yet ready to fight, but one that I will ultimately have to face.