Emotional numbing

missundastood's picture

emotional numbing.
u mustve heard of it,im sure(or even gone through it)
im so DEAD from the inside that my tears are choking me.they dont seem to reach my eyes.i want to cry.i want to let all of it out,but it just doesnt happen anymore.its like my body is sick and tired of crying for the same reason again and again too.i know i have issues.big time issues.but u temme what should i do when my so called girl tells me that i should date other people so that i can get over her?!
no really.
im supposed to be cool abt it?
im sorry,i cant be cool about it.its not we dint have enough problems.and NOW she thinks that the reason i get hurt all the time is cuz i want constant attention-which she is NOT able to give cuz she has a BOYFRND too,n she finds it hard to balance thngs.so she thinks that if i see *other poeple*,i might loosen up being so emotionally AND physically dependant on her(as said by her).
i duno WHAT to do.that instant i broke down.its like all those pieces i had held together with so much care,now fell.fell without any control or resistance.jus fell.
my brain tells me that shes right and it will be better for my mental health if i do see *other people*(argh.how i hate this word now!)cuz she affects me in all the BAD ways possible.im bogged dwn by everythng she does.actually,i cant blame her also,cuz she has TWO people to look after: me and her guy. so MAYBE she is just as lost as me.but that doesnt stop me from feeling left out,does it?i feel left out,ignored,unwanted,avoided,playing second fiddle all the time,her appetizer...all the worst thngs anyone cud ever make u feel.thats how SHE makes me feel.
and i KNOW she doesnt want to hurt me.she wud never do it all deliberately.never.she feels horrible enough that i self harmed cuz of her.
she also probably feels helpless cuz she doesnt know HOW to help me out of my mess.so maybe she came up wit this solution that IF i date other people,i will not be as EMO as i seem these days.i know she just cares...but she still shudnt have told me the way she told me.
and u noe what my heart tells me?
DUNT date ne1 else.how can i let go of the feelings for her?!n how can i jus USE someone else to get over her?! PLUS,this huge part of me doesnt really want to get over her...so this whole *dating other people* is SO NOT gonna work.
its no use even tinking about all this cuz nothings gonna come outta it.its all hopeless.its all pointless.
i cut myself across my wrists,thinking WHY and WHAT am i doing to myself?how can i just let ANYONE make me their puppet?!
im depersonalized.my feelings are NOT my feelings anymore.my emotions are NOT my emotions anymore.they are all ruled and handled by her.she tuggs at the weakest string possible so beautifully....and then rips me apart with my own thoughts.
best part is,she doesnt even know shez doing all this.
i want my control back.i want myself back...i want myself back...