It's mundane but it had to be written

the ghost's picture

First of all I'd like to say Happy New Year to you all.I hope it turns out to be whatever you would like it to be.As for me,I'm not sure what I want it to be.Fun,exciting and maybe different .I have a feeling it probably will be.Different anyways.I'm going on holidays this Summer for an entire month,to Australia.So I'm hoping it will be fun.I'm not really sure yet what I am going to do when I get there.I am going with my sister and brother-in-law to stay with family over there.I'm not sure if I will stick with them or maybe travel around a bit.I will decided closer to the time I guess.It feels kind of surreal that I am going.It was a bit of a spur of the moment decision and then the tickets were booked.Normally I contemplate things to death.But with this I decided to just go for it.I have been doing a lot of that lately.Just going with spur of the moment,less contemplated decisions,and it hasn't done me too badly so far.I've become a lot happier,a lot more relaxed and a slightly more open individual.I kind of feel like I am changing.For the better.I still have I'm angry at the world days.But hey who doesn't?

About that girl that I was talking about in my previous journal.I have decided to just give up on her.I think it is something that just isn't meant to be.It has really just dragged on for too long.We will be friends and that is it.I think I'm ok with that.We have also been talking more openly with each other about the fact that we are both queer.No more silly cautious word games where we are second guessing each other.Also I know this may make me sound a little fucked up but I'm also really,really attracted to her sister who is very much straight but anyways yeah I think that is probably another reason for me to not persue anything with my friend.

There is also another girl I like.I work with her and sort of had a tiny crush on her last Summer when we were working together full-time.Then I kind of got over it.But lately we have become very pally again and I am starting to like her again.I think she is straight,but there is also something about her,that I cannot quite put my finger on that makes me think she might be gay.She'll go out with guys and flirt along and stuff but its usually when she is very drunk that something will happen between her and a guy.She is also always hesitant to the idea of getting involved with someone.She seems to just avoid it.She doesn't know I'm gay but sometimes she will skirt around the issue of homosexuality with me or brush on certain things.Maybe she just suspects me though and is hoping I say something.But she os also very touchy feely around me.She has a tendancy to touch my arm or back or something if she is passing by me.I think I am probably looking into something that isn't there.But I don't know I just can't put my finger on what it is about her.
Anyway I'm not going to let it spiral it a big crush that ultimately leaves me miserable.I'll have to move on,and leave my journal entry at that.It's 2.30 in the morning I should really be sleeping.This entry was mundane,but somehow I felt I needed to write it.Goodnight.