So this is just another one of those moments when its past 12am, and I'm sitting by myself at the computer... contemplating weird thoughts.
I'm so lonely. I admit. Moments like these he comes back to my mind, and it hurts. But all I can feel now is just hate and regret and immense stupidity. I feel used. How could he.
New years was awesome. Went all the way to Taipei to meet my friend Jenny. Then I met her friends there at this new years party, 16 or so of them I never met before. I like meeting new people. Somehow it makes me feel I'm worth something. It makes me feel alive. It makes me feel good I can make random people laugh. It gives me a kind of amnesia to temporarily forget something sad in my past.
I made good impressions. I felt good. But I might be social, instead it becomes a kind of compulsion - addiction even. I have an extreme need to be around lots of different or new people all the time. So I can validate my existence. And so I don't have time to stop and think. To think and write about depressing stuff, like this.
I'm happy 99% of the time. But it's times like these, the 1% which I can't stand. It's times like these people don't see of me and I hide from everyone else. I hide it because it'll go away, probably after some sleep. And after him I realise my judgements on who to trust can be very wrong. Only I can be there for myself.
So now I avoid being too close to anyone. It's like beautiful bubble foam... It seems admirable and dreamy from a distance. Investing in close relationships is like making more of these fascinating foam and getting closer to admire its beauty, until I get too close and it pops stinging my eyes back to seeing the reality.