Lonely...

Uncertain's picture

So this is just another one of those moments when its past 12am, and I'm sitting by myself at the computer... contemplating weird thoughts.

I'm so lonely. I admit. Moments like these he comes back to my mind, and it hurts. But all I can feel now is just hate and regret and immense stupidity. I feel used. How could he.

New years was awesome. Went all the way to Taipei to meet my friend Jenny. Then I met her friends there at this new years party, 16 or so of them I never met before. I like meeting new people. Somehow it makes me feel I'm worth something. It makes me feel alive. It makes me feel good I can make random people laugh. It gives me a kind of amnesia to temporarily forget something sad in my past.

I made good impressions. I felt good. But I might be social, instead it becomes a kind of compulsion - addiction even. I have an extreme need to be around lots of different or new people all the time. So I can validate my existence. And so I don't have time to stop and think. To think and write about depressing stuff, like this.

I'm happy 99% of the time. But it's times like these, the 1% which I can't stand. It's times like these people don't see of me and I hide from everyone else. I hide it because it'll go away, probably after some sleep. And after him I realise my judgements on who to trust can be very wrong. Only I can be there for myself.

So now I avoid being too close to anyone. It's like beautiful bubble foam... It seems admirable and dreamy from a distance. Investing in close relationships is like making more of these fascinating foam and getting closer to admire its beauty, until I get too close and it pops stinging my eyes back to seeing the reality.

Comments

Leu's picture

This is kind of like

This is kind of like after-Christmas blues, not quite though. Like after you unwrap all the presents and then just go around picking up the paper, it just isn't as satisfying. Something good, then just a void. That sucks, I hope you're happy again soon.

underage_thinker's picture

I can't even go onto the

I can't even go onto the computer at night. I have to walk down the hall (which I've actually got pretty good at navigating in the dark) and open the door. Sometimes the printer makes funny beepy, printer noises. My step-dad is a really light sleeper. So I close the door so as not to let out the light.
But hte point is, my parents don't like it when I close the door, because they think I'm looking at porn. Which I usually am, but that's beside the point.

And I know exactly what you mean about the lonely moments. I have then every so oftern (more frequently now) and I usually just lie in the fetal position under my big, comfy down comforter, and listen to Harry Potter on tape and ingest something warm. Like tea or melted chocolate....
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I find you quite amusing, and I’m sure you love me too, But sadly I am Lesbian, Though I’ll pretend for you
-M.A.A.