She came back to school today. I don't know how I feel about it yet. I left early. I went home after second period and slept until about 1. Which was only about a million hours too early to wake up.
I've decided that relationships are stupid. Why? Because I mess them up. Purposefully, unpurposefully, I do, it's true. So of course, I have to semi-fall for the one girl who won't date me. This shouldn't be a problem if all I do is ruin my relationships. But NO. She is quite possibly the only person I have ever not wanted for silly reasons, finally a girl that isn't just a conquest. Oh, I'll be honest...There have been a few of those. This has happened really by accident. And to think, I didn't even want to admit that I liked her, it was written all over my face, but only oblivious to me.
I am basically a flaming retard. I know that nothing can change between her and I and the more that the odds stack against us, the more I wish things were different. I want to be able to hold her hand and kiss her with the entire world, or no one at all, watching and have it be okay. The smile that she puts on my face is not one I recognize.
I have absolutely no idea how she feels about me. I know this sounds silly. We have talked about it; we know that we like each other. I know I like kissing her, the few times I actually have. But I wonder if the way she feels is even remotely close to the way I feel, or a million miles away.
I'm waiting for the day where I just finally snap. Because there are only about a million things that I leave unsaid everyday. And there have been years and years of frustration that I've been suppressing immaculately. I'm an amazingly good Catholic; aside from the atheism. I could join the clergy; aside from the femininity. It doesn't go away though; it just builds up like floodwater. And the flood defenses are weakened the more I actually stop to think about it, which is fitting for a dyke I suppose.
I realized today, that I'm not the same person I've always been. I am past the days where I looked into the mirror and didn't recognize the face that stared back at me. I think I might even be okay now, except for all the silence and sadness that never leaves my eyes. And hours that go by before I realize that I've been staring at the ring box that hides my biggest secret.
So what do I do when I dip too deep into the places I'd rather not be? I call her. And she tells about random things. Taking canned corn hiking, painting naked ladies, and a million things in between. She holds my secrets and maybe I hold a few of hers.
And why does this matter? It doesn't.
But ahh...she is scrumptious. haha.