electricity's picture

I almost hate to admit it, but I want to see a therapist. I'm not depressed or anything, but I've just realized a few things that I feel backed in a corner about.

This past year has been kinda hard. For starters, I came out. I realized my true sexuality and am now a proud lesbian with about 95% of my friends in the know and accepting. It all went well, but it is a tad stressful.

Another, my mom has been sick repeatedly. In the past two to three months she's been in the hospital twice. Probably three to four times in the past year... something like that. The worst case was when she was fatally dehydrated. When she couldn't even form a full sentence [or word] or drink water. When in it was the month of October and she told the doctor it was June. When she had to have her appendix out, all in the same week.

My mom is always sick, on top of that. There's always something wrong. It never completely gets better.

It's my senior year and I have no idea where I want to go to college or what I want to study. And according to every asshole that works at my school [besides my art teacher] that is just a crime. I'm somewhat relieved at going to community first, but I still have to have an idea and mine is only vague.

I also hate school. I have no motivation to do anything. I get my shit done and I'm getting good grades, but it doesn't mean I like it. In fact, I wish my temperature would come back so I don't have to go tomorrow. I seriously just dislike being in my classes. I wish I was doing something geared towards my interests. But even my art class I got sick of.

I find that I'm not doing anything that I love. I play in a band, great, but it's not stuff I write. Though lately I have gotten into a side project. Hopefully that accelerates. But no doubt my job and school will rule a lot of free time out for that kind of shit.

And what about my want to write a story? A nice, long, developed story? I have two ideas, no idea where to start. Everything I start to write I end up hating. I have no time to write because I'm too busy doing shit for school, and now, working, playing with the band, or on the stupid computer. Believe me, just sitting down and doing it is easier said than done.

I thought that being sick would mean I would get to do all the shit I listed. False. I haven't done anything while being sick. I've been too busy, you know, being sick.

I already feel like I'm crapping out on my job. It's my first week and I have a fuck up every shift at least once or twice and I've had to call in sick twice. I suck.

The breaking up with C and getting back to together all in the same week was just a big jumble and it was a terrible week. That doesn't help either. I have a lot of beef with my dad I only confront when I'm half thinking. I never care enough to talk about it. I have a lot of beef with my being gay in middle school and never knowing and having a big problem with a "friendship" about it. Oh, god, the worst year of my life was 8th grade. I've never really settled that a whole lot. Probably because I never settled my being gay til this year.

And did I mention that losing my little cat [the one in my icon with me] was one of the most heartbreaking things that has happened to me? I know it's terribly pathetic and terribly lesbian but I miss that cat more than anything.

My life's not bad, there's just a lot of little stuff I never really put to rest. You know?


montesqueer's picture

A big fucking cheer for

A big fucking cheer for total lack of ambition! Whooo. I find myself writing this at midnight instead of being productive or oh I dunno, sleeping. Well at least you've got the whole musical thing going on, hm? I've tried, but it turns out I'm much too impatient and transient in enthusiasm to be even vaguely musically ept.

I'm really not passionate about anything, which is disturbing. I care in a freakishly stupid way about keeping my grades up, but I'm not involved in anything, spend all of my free time being useless, and haven't really got anything outstanding to recommend me. I've always wanted to do something creative after school, but you've got to be quite spectacular to get anywhere on that sort of thing, don't you? And actually, I'm very mediocre. And now I feel like I'm sounding horribly melodramatic and ridiculous, haha.

I have a massive aversion to therapists, and I don't know why. Maybe it's the thought of a complete stranger analyzing the self I think only I could possibly understand, or maybe it's just because I don't like some robotic asshole telling me my dysfunctions at a million bucks a minute.

Anyway, that whole fucking rant was awfully conceited. I hope you get your shit sorted out, with the bit about the mother and the life and all. I guess we have it very nice, considering starving children in Africa, but I still don't feel selfish. Hey, speaking of pussies, where the hell does the vegetarian lesbian stereotype come from? I had never even heard of that before watching But I'm a Cheerleader.

Fuck me that was long comment, for me anyway.

-Ruby-'s picture

I dunno where that veggie-lezzie stereotype comes from either!

I am a proud meat-loving & pussy-loving girl.
I've also dated a few lesbians... and NONE of them were veggie/vegan. Like we'd go out for dinner and have fish sushi, or thai food (chicken, beef AND shrimp), full-fat ice-cream... then go home and, umm, burn it all off ;-)

electricity's picture

Well keeping up grades is a

Well keeping up grades is a task in itself and so kudos to you for the maintaince! That's drive in something. Surely, there is something you have a knack for, you just have to find it. Narrow it down from subjects you like in school and all that ish. But I know the feeling of not being able to do something... special.

I love psychology, and I love how our mind works. I'm more than happy to go discuss the way mine's functioning with someone who really knows. I mean, choose someone who isn't quite robotic and more personal, you know? I took psychology last semester at community college and loved it. Sociology next, baby. But yeah, if I can't get it figured out, at least let someone else help me.

That's a silly stereotype but I've heard it. I am no where near it, but I've heard it.

-Ruby-'s picture

Yayyy therapy!

I've gone to therapy, and it really helped me get thru some tough times in my life.
The most important thing is finding a therapist who you LIKE... you have to feel comfortable with the therapist, and their style of therapy. For example, I requested a female therapist, because I felt that I would be more comfortable talking about some of my romantic/sexual issues with a woman. If you go to a therapist, and really dislike him/her, then you just move on and find a new one.
I have no problem with a "complete stranger analyzing the self I think only I could possibly understand". I mean, where ELSE could I just talk and talk about myself, and completely focus on my own personal problems for a full 50 minutes, without feeling completely self-absorbed?
And in terms of the $$$-issue, remember: there are many different types of therapists, ranging from free all the way to very expensive. The mental-health system in the U.S. may be a little different then it is in Canada (where I live). Here, basically you can see a psychiatrist for free (with a referral from your doctor), because it is covered by our provincial health plans. You can also see a social-worker for free covered by your city or your local schoolboard. To go to a privately-practicing psychologist, you usually have to pay $, but you can see one for free if it is covered by your health insurance or if the psychologist works for the schoolboard.
Starting therapy is a big step, and of course it can be kind of scary and nerve-wracking... but once you go, you will feel a LOT better. I learned so much. Good luck :-)