I almost hate to admit it, but I want to see a therapist. I'm not depressed or anything, but I've just realized a few things that I feel backed in a corner about.
This past year has been kinda hard. For starters, I came out. I realized my true sexuality and am now a proud lesbian with about 95% of my friends in the know and accepting. It all went well, but it is a tad stressful.
Another, my mom has been sick repeatedly. In the past two to three months she's been in the hospital twice. Probably three to four times in the past year... something like that. The worst case was when she was fatally dehydrated. When she couldn't even form a full sentence [or word] or drink water. When in it was the month of October and she told the doctor it was June. When she had to have her appendix out, all in the same week.
My mom is always sick, on top of that. There's always something wrong. It never completely gets better.
It's my senior year and I have no idea where I want to go to college or what I want to study. And according to every asshole that works at my school [besides my art teacher] that is just a crime. I'm somewhat relieved at going to community first, but I still have to have an idea and mine is only vague.
I also hate school. I have no motivation to do anything. I get my shit done and I'm getting good grades, but it doesn't mean I like it. In fact, I wish my temperature would come back so I don't have to go tomorrow. I seriously just dislike being in my classes. I wish I was doing something geared towards my interests. But even my art class I got sick of.
I find that I'm not doing anything that I love. I play in a band, great, but it's not stuff I write. Though lately I have gotten into a side project. Hopefully that accelerates. But no doubt my job and school will rule a lot of free time out for that kind of shit.
And what about my want to write a story? A nice, long, developed story? I have two ideas, no idea where to start. Everything I start to write I end up hating. I have no time to write because I'm too busy doing shit for school, and now, working, playing with the band, or on the stupid computer. Believe me, just sitting down and doing it is easier said than done.
I thought that being sick would mean I would get to do all the shit I listed. False. I haven't done anything while being sick. I've been too busy, you know, being sick.
I already feel like I'm crapping out on my job. It's my first week and I have a fuck up every shift at least once or twice and I've had to call in sick twice. I suck.
The breaking up with C and getting back to together all in the same week was just a big jumble and it was a terrible week. That doesn't help either. I have a lot of beef with my dad I only confront when I'm half thinking. I never care enough to talk about it. I have a lot of beef with my being gay in middle school and never knowing and having a big problem with a "friendship" about it. Oh, god, the worst year of my life was 8th grade. I've never really settled that a whole lot. Probably because I never settled my being gay til this year.
And did I mention that losing my little cat [the one in my icon with me] was one of the most heartbreaking things that has happened to me? I know it's terribly pathetic and terribly lesbian but I miss that cat more than anything.
My life's not bad, there's just a lot of little stuff I never really put to rest. You know?