So we had the day off of classes yesterday. And my friends and I decided it would be a good idea to get crazy drunk the night before. One girl--Diamond, we'll call her--procured some delicious rum from the Bahamas (from a previous hookup in her dorm), and four queer, single girls proceeded to down an inordinate amount of generously measured shots. A couple of non-drinkers were there, watching us make fools of ourselves, but they left eventually after cutting us off of our third tequila and pepsi mix and telling my friends they were too drunk to walk back to their dorms.
So here's the cast of characters:
Diamond. She's on the rebound from a two-year relationship, and has been hooking up with a couple of girls since the breakup. One of my friends has told me she has a crush on me. I'm very done with rebound relationships, though I think she's kinda cute. I've decided that it wouldn't be bad if I hooked up with Diamond while drunk, though. Given the experience she has, it probably would be pretty fabulous.
Alex. We've been friends since the first day of school on our orientation group. She's single, though she's hooking up with a straight girl on the side. She's very much of a mess, cutting and depressed. We'd pinky-sworn not to date at the beginning of the year, and all last semester I wasn't into her, but since the beginning of this one I've found myself physically attracted to her. I've tried to suppress it because she's such a mess, and I don't think she's that into me.
Sarah. She lives down from the hall from me (hence off-limits), and just broke up with a girl, but is still on the rebound from her ex-boyfriend of last summer. She's very sweet and nice, though I don't know her so so well.
Me. It's my room. A newly opened double (with a king-size bed made from two double beds). I'm 98% over my first, very problematic relationship, had a fling over winter break, and am very sexually deprived.
So after our sober friends leave us to our own devices, we decide to watch a movie. Over the course of our drinking, Diamond and Sarah have been flirting and cuddling a bit. So maybe scratch hooking up with Diamond, my alcohol-infused brain decides. Alex and I often cuddle anyway (thus was born my first shock of attraction to her), and so the movie (watched from the bed), quickly induces coupling up. Alex and I are just holding each other, but our faces are close, and I decide to go for it. She kisses back and goes a lot farther (second... almost third base, but I had enough presence of mind to stop her), all the while both of us reiterating how drunk we are. Diamond and Sarah are on the other half of the bed, giggling and cuddling and maybe making out. So maybe I'm a bit jealous. But, holy cow, I've never been this far with anyone before, and it's some pretty high quality action. I tell myself to enjoy it while it lasts.
Sarah gets up to go to the bathroom. Diamond asks me if she's heard anything about what I think of her. I stop making out with Alex and turn on my side to look at her. "Yeah," I say. "Well?" She asks. Alex says, "Oh, make out already!" and pushes me onto that side of the bed. "Um," is my articulate response, and then I kiss her.
When Sarah comes back, Alex and I resume making out. It's good to remember I didn't completely forget how.
It's hard to sleep in a bed with four people. At one point in the night I realize that we were making out in front of Diamond and Sarah, and I apologize loudly for the inappropriateness. The next morning at brunch is very awkward. Diamond and Sarah are holding hands. Alex and I are staring straight ahead, and sitting as far as possible from each other. Our friend Liza, who has a girlfriend and was otherwise occupied the night before, just laughed at it all. I was very hungover and rather overwhelmed.
When we were cleaning up my room, Diamond asked me what the kiss meant. I told her maybe we could date sometime in the future, when she was over her ex.
I went and talked to a friend about the whole thing with Alex. She told me to go for getting with Alex. I talked to her later that day, and told her I wouldn't mind hooking up again, and she gave me a non-response. She needed to talk to her hookup buddy. We agreed we didn't want a relationship.
And that's where it stands. I'm a bit of a panicky mess. First times are nice, but I don't like how everything is vague and up in the air. And Alex and I are old, old friends. But thinking about it, I really am pretty into her. Our friendship isn't as close as it could be, and that makes me sad. She's closer with other people. But she's such a wreck I couldn't be with her. And I don't think she really wants me anyway. I think she was just sex-hungry.
So, if you do want to hook up, do it sober. And think about who you do it with first.