Ok so today was one of those shitty ass days where everything that could go wrong does and you find yourself asking why the fuck is this happening to you. That turns into why the hell do I bother, then why the hell am I still here? After hours of endless self inflicted mind torture you realize it's six days until the anniversary of when you tried to kill yourself.
That was the stupidest thing I've ever done. I wonder if the effect of this date will ever lessen? Two years and it hasn't yet. I just hate myself because I feel like I'm trying to get myself killed by myself by having done stupid shit like that. Kinda like I'm setting myself up for the future... Like "haha didn't work this time, but you'll remember this and feel uber depressed and maybe next time I'll get you"
I think there was a song by the band Bush or maybe it was Lit that has the lyrics or title "my own worst enemy." When ever I get like this that's all I can think about, that fucking song. I hate that song. I'm gonna go listen to it...
It's days like these that I want to sabotage myself, destroy every last thing that I hold dear. I don't even want to kill myself anymore, I want to torture and punish myself for being so fucking miserable. Maybe I'll just waste away to nothing. I'll lay in bed all day listening to fucking Bush or Lit or whoever the fuck feeling sorry for myself and eventually wither away and vanish.
Thank god I'm seeing my shrink sometime next week.
But it will go away, you know, these thoughts. I was perfectly happy at one point, although I don't remember when. Let's just hope that I don't fuck anything up while I drown in my self loathing, shall we?
Sounds good. Ok... No sabotage tonight... Just sleep... Much needed sleep.