Today I got back from this leadership retreat that they took all the ninth graders on at my school. They split the grade in half and one half went to one camp and the other half went to another camp. We talked about a lot of stuff pertaining mostly to who we are as individuals and as a class and where we would like to be as individuals and as a class by the time we graduate. For one activity we split up by gender and discused issues pertaining to that gender, then we got back together with the boys and the boys got to ask the girls a question and watch us discuss it and we got to ask the boys a question and watch them discuss it. The question the boys asked the girls was, "what's your ideal guy?" A few girls commented and then there was this big awkward silence so i jumped in and said, "Sometimes guys are disrespectful of girls when they're not falling all over them madly in love. My ideal guy is someone who doesn't expect or want me to be sexual with them because...*long awkward pause where it felt like there was sand in my throat, you all know that feeling...I'm gay so I don't want guys like that...I know that's not what you meant by ideal guy, but..." I was studering and shaking and I'm not entirly sure what i said but I asked a friend about it and she said that it made sense. I wasn't really planing on doing it then so I wasn't nervous before hand but afterwards i was really shaken and couldn't focus. i just sat there drinking a bottle of water and picking at the skin around my nails till it bled and i really needed to pee.
All my friends were really helpful, they knew that I had been trying to do that for a long time and they were all so proud of me and encouraging. I got an opportunity to come out to about five people earlier in the day and they were proud of me for that and then really proud when I came out to half the grade, everyone was hugging me and congradulating me. My gym teacher/health teacher/softball coach supposedly teared up. I didn't see it, I was kinda mumbling in the direction of my feet when I did it. The school's librarian, Amanda, was also there and she was really nice. I didn't know her very well but she was talking to me about her daughter who thought she was straight then fell in love with a girl who she dated for a year and is now seriously questioning. I told Amanda to tell her about oasis. Amanda has been becoming more and more involved in the diversity club at my school and she said that she was thinking about starting a club just for queer kids at the school so I might end up helping her to start that. I don't remember much of what she said, my mind was spinning from just coming out, but I'll talk to her about it on Tuesday.
So, yeah, I came out, everyone was fine with it, and I'm really happy. Also, someone who uses things like "thats so gay" or calls random thing or people fags, a lot, I saw him nearly say something like that latter that night but then he saw me and kept his mouth shut, yay!