I wish I wasn't Gay

the ghost's picture

Lately I am not sure if I have slipped back into some sort of denial about my sexuality,if I am confused about it again,or what exactly I think/feel about it lately.I've been through the whole questioning thing...and really worrying about it.Feeling like I accepted it to some extent,and then the big issue for me became coming-out.I knew I wasn't straight,and I felt like I would explode if I didn't tell someone.So I did I told a few people and I felt better.The stress eased and I was thinking of how I could move foward to just being openly gay.I'm not sure when exactly I stopped thinking about actually coming right out of the closet.But I have stopped thinking about it.More than that I have decided I don't want to.I just don't want to.

Part of me is confused again I think.Like I think I might be a little bit bi,but I'm not sure.It's the same old thing of I definitly know I'm attracted to girls..but after that I don't know.But to be perfectly honest I don't want to be gay or openly gay.I know that I should want to live my life openly and honestly but right now I just have this overwhelming feeling of just hating any gay feelings I have.

I kind of like being with the friends I haven't told,because they think I'm straight.I have found myself not wanting to spend time with the friends that know.Not because they particularly care about my sexuality,just because I care that they know now and that makes it real.With the others I can pretend.But the downfall of my pretending is that I feel like I am living multiple lives here.Everyone knows a different part of me and I don't even know whats real anymore.I feel like I have multiple personalities.

I wish I had never begun to open up and think yeah I think I could be gay,I'm attracted to girls.I wish I had of ignored it :/

Comments

jeff's picture

Hmm...

My guess is you subconsciously tried to ignore it and it didn't work. Most people don't jump into sexuality exploration on a whim.

Eh, I've never been a fan of labels, so I do think constant label-hopping (I was questioning, I'm gay, I'm confused, may be a little bit bi) is sort of pointless. If anything, you've shown that it hasn't given you any comfort so far. Better to just be yourself and figure out what that is, rather than try to fit who you are into all these other proscribed labels with their inherent baggage.

I also think you tend to see your gay feelings as external to yourself. I don't think it is possible to hate your gay feelings as though they aren't inherently you. So, that's self-hatred, internalized homophobia, whatever term you prefer. That seems to be more accurate than you are all fine, if it weren't for this *thing* that *happened* to you. I mean, if you can't see it as part of you, that means you're even further away from properly addressing it. So, start there. You aren't straight. We know that bit. So, as far as labels go, you can dump that one. One down...

And, you aren't feeling like you're living multiple lives. You actually are.

---

"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.

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clarice123's picture

yep

that pretty much sums up my life right now, thanks. and i'm trying to do the whole no-label thing, but it gets hard in a world where most people have one. and want someone 100% straight or 100% gay.

the only people i've told are my two closest friends. and i fidn myself constantly avoiding them, and especially the subject.

best of luck.

jeff's picture

Eh...

Most people will *assume* you are either 100% gay or straight, so until it matters, let them think what they want. As long as you you're not steering them in the wrong direction intentionally, then game on. Of the last 5-6 guys I dated, I would honestly say I have no clue if they were gay or bi or any of the other 20 words that mean bi. I knew guys were on the menu, so the rest didn't really matter. And if you think straight people are going to randomly start asking, then you're either not going to pass as closeted or you're giving them reason to ask.

---

"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.

Add me on MySpace!

Lol-taire's picture

Oh ghosty, you need a

Oh ghosty, you need a girlfriend.

Or a boyfriend. But I think you need a girlfriend.

Or like, just get married and never think about any of this again. Although that's gone out of fashion a bit, a long with rationing and listening to the home service on the wireless.

I was feeling pretty low about all this the other night, but I had a good old chat with my friend KD and had a surge of optimism or at least perspective. He convinced properly and finally that, regardless of what I might think, my sexuality wasn't second rate. It was even sort of enviable. I mean, that's really quite a big achievement and I should probably send him flowers or something.

So this self loathing is stupid. Like the song says: Come out and find the one that you love and who loves you etc.

I mean, my trouble with not being altogether open about my sexuality is that I have nothing (read that as 'no-one') to be open about at the moment. Right now your sexuality is purely theoretical; you have a hypothesis, so test it.

The caveat is, of course, that this is easier said than done.

I bleed audio's picture

Acquired oasis knowledge

I went through the same steps earlier this year (questioning, denial, acceptance, etc.) so let me regurgitate some of the stuff I was told that helped me.

1) Straight people don't tend to question if they're straight, you pretty much know it and if you have feelings toward the same gender chances are theres a reason why.

2) Ask yourself "If this was a perfect world without stereotypes, hatred, and negative judgment and I could be with anyone without consequence who would I be attracted to?"

3) Assuming you're at least a little bi, why not try to date other girls? I mean this at least points you in the right direction one way or another. If you're gay it will just "fit" if not then you'll have more peace of mind and not rack you're mind questioning. Just try dating girls until you find a guy that makes you wonder.

I hope this helps
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Despite all the things you may have learned, if you play with fire then you're bound to get burned