procrastination

the_loser's picture

Today wasn't a bad day at all, it was very lazy for me. I woke up around 2 and had a snack and after a while of watching tv with my mom (soaps, ugh!) I went into my room to play a couple of hours of Half-Life 2. It was fun, until I got stuck. So I went back in the living room and layed down, and despite the many hours of sleep I got last night I was still tired, so I napped for what seemed maybe an hour or less. I was on the computer for a while doing nothing mainly until 8 when my mom straightened my hair for tomorrow and then I was going to go to bed. I played a couple songs on guitar hero 3 with my brother's friend (I creamed her) and then finally decided I should sleep. But I felt scared to go to sleep. I started feeling a little depressed. And usually I don't get depressed right before bed, especially on a non-school day. So I did something I usually never do. I caught up on some homework. I missed a lot when I was absent for 3 days and I still had a lot to catch up on....I usually just rush through it quickly and not pay any attention to what I'm doing. Tonight I took time to finish it, and put some effort in it. In the middle of the outline I was completing and I realized what I was doing. I was distracting myself. I suddenly decided to do a crap load of homework, to stop myself from thinking, to focus on something else. It only works sometimes. I hardly even noticed I did it either, it's like a protective wall my mind did to keep me safe, to keep me away. I don't want to start thinking. I don't want to be left with my mind, alone. That's when I get most depressed. Usually I don't mind sleeping, I look forward to it and I hate being tired during school. I was a little surprised I was procrastinating about SLEEPING! Worse, I don't want to see my depression come alive in my dreams. I don't want to dream about it, it sucks. I promised myself it would go away soon, an hour maybe less, but it's still here, slightly. Like anything signifigant could set me off. I was a little touchy today, not like yesterday. Yesterday I felt really great. I couldn't find my reading log tonight for Literature and I got extremely angry and throwing crap around. Luckily I found it, I might have gone crazy. I almost killed my stupid Animal Farm packet but stopped quickly. I finished my homework, but I don't have that satisfaction that I usually have when I've finished everything, and I have nothing to worry about. It's funny, all weekend I was looking forward to Tuesday, and now the night before I dread it, I don't want to go to school because I know I won't be myself, I hate being depressed at school, I'm usually really good at being happy, for real and not pretending. I always know when It's not going to be a good day. Maybe in the morning I'll be feeling better and won't have to try so hard tomorrow. I really wanted it to be a good day, really.

At least I won't have late homework. Maybe I'll even read.