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the_loser's picture

Today I felt really mellow. Usually I'm either energetic or just tired and catatonic, but today I was somewhere in between, and it felt good to be in control. It scares me at the same time. I know it's coming soon. Before I lapse into a short period of depression I'm always calm and mellow, and I'm scared that I feel this way today because I know it's inevitable. I believe this has to do with my crush and seeming how I can't really forget about liking her ha... I realized it's really dumb because I see her like every flippin day and it's retarted and maaaaybe I shouldn't have switched math classes because now I'm in her group and it's even harder ,and I totally went back on what I was trying to do--forget. I'm not trying to forget anymore, it's too hard, I just figure one day it'll fade away like all the other ones. I wanted it to go away because sometimes it would make me depressed. In the beginning I didn't mind because everyday at school was exciting and I could look forward to going to school, which is something I RARELY have ever felt and I liked it. And if I had nothing to look forward to then it would be boring and dull and take forever and it seems I get depressed. School should be fun and I guess it is because of friends and stuff, but sometimes it's not enough. Sometimes I need more to stay happy, and that bothers me.
I though about cutting today. I shouldn't have, I was mellow, I wasn't depressed or anything, I just thought about doing it, and I even told myself maybe I would. I haven't cut in over 5 months, I stopped counting after 20 weeks and I'd like to think I'll never do it again, but something tells me that that's not true. I don't think I did it enough to be really 'addicted' because I stopped so early, but it started getting more serious and I couldn't do that to myself anymore. I'm afraid of exposure. I go to the doctor every 6 months for a check up and one day I'm afraid the doctor will see the scars on my arm. What will he say? I don't want him to ask. I get nervous as hell when I'm in there. I don't want them to tell my parents because they'd be heart broken and think it was their fault, when it's not. It's just me. I don't want them to worry.
I read something online a while ago about cutting, and someone posted online somewhere that once you start, you never really stop. I want to prove that statement wrong. I think I can, but at the same time I know that it's right. Once you self injure, even when you stop, it's still conscious in the back of your mind, you still think about it, it still exists, and in some ways, it's just as bad and it causes you to feel guilty just for thinking about it and knowing that you've done it. At least that's true for me for the most part. It's not that that's the only thing I can think of, but the first couple of weeks afterward it is, it is very very conscious. The past couple months I've been doing great. I don't think about it at all and when I do it's never serious, I disregard it, I even threwaway my razorblade I had, just to prove I'd never do it again. I don't know, I guess I'm just ranting, but today a lot of things went through my mind.
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, and happy V Day to anyone who celebrates it. I'm not much of a fan, sorry =]