what to do, dearies?

clarice123's picture

I'm so confused. So totally and utterly and completely confused. And I need to make up my mind. Here are some details...

Since fourth grade, I've pretty much always had at least one boyfriend per year. (exceptions: 7th and 9th grades- but I got one the summer between 9th and 10th) Then, last year, when I was a freshman, summer (aka straight girl) and I developed a "physical" relationship. I mean, we were constantly touching. Even at school. Holding hands, she'd sit on my lap, hands in back pockets, she'd run her hands up my inner thighs (more ont his later), kisses all over each other's faces, hugs that lasted for ever, dancing together (as in- full on, her hands on my ass), jumping up on me and wrapping her legs around my body, laying down on top of me so that our entire bodies are touching, hands roaming over bare skin, finertips, nails, putting my fingers in her mouth, hers in mine, her tongue tracing circles on my neck....

But no kisses. Nothing more ever. Never enough. This has gone up until now, and it continues. I tried to talking to her about it one night recently. I said that she was the only person I'm like this with. And there was this moment when time stopped and we were so close to kissing it literally hurt. And then we didn't. And then she said maybe we won't be normal friends. What's normal anyway? She said with a laugh. Not this I thought.

Those moments, when she wants to kiss me, she'll just look into my eyes and tap my nose, or stroke my cheek. It's bitter sweet. It's like she's saying, I want to, but I can't.

I'm in love with her.

Rewind. Max was in my freshman math class. We weren't friends right away, but he deffinatly noticed me. As the year went on, we became friends. I started to like him a bit (while still liking Summer). THen he went out with a close friend of mine who's kind of trashy. And I didn't really like him any more. Then they broke up. Then I started liking him again. Then I seduced him. Then he asked me out. And it was an amazing summer. I felt as if I was in love. When he kissed me, I felt like I was melting into him, and when we stopped I was dizzy. He made me happy. I thought I was over Summer.

Then school started. And I saw Summer every day again. And she touched me every day again. and i loved her every day again. And I was busy. And I found myself avoiding Max. Even though I liked him. I was so confused. I couldn't make sense of my emotions, let alone decide what to do with them. So I broke up with him, with hopes of persuing Summer. That kind of... worked. I think she knows....

Enter Johnathon. I have a crush on him, and he likes me. but he's a bad boy and i'm a good girl. and i don't know. i'm running out of steam. more later?

love to you all.

Comments

jeff's picture

Well...

Sounds like you need to tell Summer you need to know where things are at, because you need more emotionally, and if she's not ready to give that to you, then you have to stop having unresolved frottage that's leading nowhere. If she's not up for progressing, you need to do what's right for you, no matter how much fun it is in limbo.

As for Max, you already screwed him over once, so now it's about whether he's willing to put up with you or wonder if he's only good enough until something else comes along.

My advice across the board is you need to start treating people the way you want to be treated. Be honest with people, tell them you're feelings, make sure you know theirs, and act accordingly.

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"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.

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