I stood alone on a playground buzzing with children, the crowd formed around me. I didn’t know why I was singled out, something was wrong. I wasn’t like the other girls, but I became what they expected me to be, I had to choice. Nature “helped” things along. Nature is cruel like that. I remember sobbing uncontrollably when my breasts began to bud. Puberty was an unstoppable train; a hostile take over.
I felt the skin-melting stares of the crowd because I didn’t dress “girlish” enough. I endured de-humanizing remarks, “…at least I think It’s a girl.” Years later I assimilated to ease my sense of isolation.
The crowd silenced.
I was finally acceptable to them as long as I was keeping up appearances.
My only way to prove I was “normal” and to feel even halfway HUMAN was to emphasize my bodies potential for the sexual gratification of others.
And oh how convenient it was that no body had to question their motives or their sexual orientation. Not even me…All was “well” for several years. I was only beginning to see the awkward path that was still ahead of me, when I hit 16 the cynical torment of blood and pain became too much to bare. So trapped and unhappy, I knew something was wrong but not many understood what it was. The pain of monthly cycles and cystic breasts would takeaway the happy days of my youth I was to be enjoying. I hate the way my body seems to mock me. I could almost hear my hormones whispering:
Feel this pain
This is real
Your flesh is female and real
Your spirit is merely a foreign invader
But we will not set him free
We will wear him away slowly
Until he disappears.
I answered by binding my breasts and beating my cramping gut with my fists.
But I had hope…
My plan was set in motion. It was a rescue mission of epic proportions.
My Spirit Vs. My Body.
The goal was to create a new design for this body that I reside in, and finally claim a state of self-contentment. Of course, most people didn’t like this idea. A new crowd quickly formed. They told me something was wrong, they said what I was doing was unhealthy and illogical, they told me my goal was impossible to achieve and dangerous. Someone else’s alarm had rudely awakened me from my dream. The door to a new life had been slammed shut due to fear of the unknown. Soon after, a path of self-destruction, debauchery, hopelessness, and self-loathing ensued. Months later this battle scared veteran is back!!! I am stronger, wiser, and without inhibition. I’m crying mutiny on this ship, you may not like what I have to say, and you may not agree with me or even understand, but you will be compelled to listen.
Now a crowed has gathered once again. They said my hair was too long, they said I needed to be on T, they said my chest needed to be bound up or cut up in order to be considered what I really was. They told me I didn’t act “masculine” enough. Say what you will but you cant take MY TRUTH away. I have never felt more real or more certain about anything in my life. If the binary works for [b]YOU[/b], by all means work it!!!But dont DAMN me fow walking a different path.I beleive black and white is for news papers NOT for people.We are all different shades of the rainbow.We are bodies, minds, souls, NOT Caricatures. Its funny how they used to say I was “not enough of a girl.” and then they began to say I was “not enough of a boy.” They all cling to the illusion of the binary; the only thing they have ever known. Their “truths” only serve to keep us in bondage. I intend to contradic their absolutes everyday that i breath. They cannot and will not abort my vision for myself and for humanity. I used to ask myself "Will they ever be happy with who i am?" Now i ask the question that on all of our minds "Will they ever be happy with what THEY are and let the rest of us live in peace?"
Mother, May I?
Father, Should I?
Partner, Could I?
Friend, Shall I?
Doctor, Must I?
Stranger, Cant I...
Just be ME?
I see glimpses of the man I'd like to be. Am i part of a dying breed? Part of a new breed? I guess I'll have to make it up as i go along. Ive wasted my energy far too long seeking their aproval when my own truth was all I really ever needed.
The ultimate power lies within each one of us. We are the stewards of our own destinies.