Coming out to myself

Riku's picture

I'm pretty sure now, I'm a boy... Or at least I'm supposed to be...

I don't like being called a girl, female, she, that kind of thing, and I would much prefer being referred to as male... Not just that but it would explain a LOT of little things that I've been intentionally overlooking for a long time...

I guess when I was little I decided it was okay to be a "tomboy" or whatever... But not okay to want to be a boy. And I've been pretty much shutting out any part of me that said that something was wrong...

A few years ago I had this dream where I was turned into a boy. I said it was weird and tried not to think about it, but in reality I really REALLY wished that I could be a boy... Like in the dream.. >_o And I've had a lot of dreams similar to that...

So I was walking around with Sora today and I dropped a few major hints at my being trans gender. Though I still think she doesn't entirely get the whole sexuality does not equal gender thing...

She expressed some interest in me, I hope it was just mindless flirting. I really don't want to have to deal with another person liking me that I don't like back.. o_o (one is much more than enough thanks.)

Sometimes I feel like I have my own personal fanclub. I've been called/texted a lot recently, which probably has to do with my being more outgoing recently... But I really hate all of this attention. I have letters to write and things to make/do and stuff... And I really don't feel like chattering with people..

And I am SO SICK of stupid geometry class with the stupid groups that you have to get in and argue over STUPID terminology because nobody agrees on anything or listens properly... D:

And I'm still trying to come to terms with my gender over here... >_O; It's not easy to get over years of blatant denial... I mean, I was in denial about being in denial... And I knew it. But I was so scared to admit it to myself. D:

I guess I'm really lucky to know a FTM transgender person in my school... Because if I didn't I'd probably still be sitting in denial...

I decided to try to come out to my dad... He knows that something is up, but has no idea what... Although I'm sure he'll be surprised to some extent... And it'll take a while for him to get used to the idea, he'll be very supportive... I guess I'm lucky in that aspect too...

But gawd.. I feel so stupid for not realizing this stuff sooner. I mean, there was this incident a while back where pictures were taken of me and I looked really like a girl (more than usual.) Like curves and everything... And I ended up crying over the pictures not being deleted, (they were after I cried though.) During that incident I was asked why I have a problem with "looking like my own gender" and I nearly died...

UGH. So stupid! *bangs head against wall*

And I always came up with excuses to explain to myself why these things happened...

Because it was too scary for me to admit to myself that I want to be a boy...

Okay.. I'm done now.... ^^'

I should go to sleep so I can get up early tomorrow.. Ja ne!

~Riku

Comments

gaynow's picture

Sounds like a ridiculous

Sounds like a ridiculous hurdle, but you seem to be coping magnificently with a really really hard thing ^^ And, you've come out to yourself before, so you know this already: just give it time. Thing's work out. Luck!!!

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