Azul's picture

You know. Every second of my life it seems like I can't develop more. Back in 4th grade - I thought that puberty was a bunch of bullshit - that all that happens is that you get bigger and grow hair.

Boy was I wrong! I turned out to be attracted to males. I wasn't consciously aware that I was a fag - but that came a year later.

Then I began to feel emotions. Like before a certain point - I didn't feel emotions. Like they were there - half of it was because I was expected to feel a certain way. But it was like an explosion. I felt every side of the spectrum.

Then I got my first boyfriend. I don't think it was my first love... Well it was the largest attraction I've felt... and it hasn't been matched so... it could be "love".. but I don't have a good enough perspective.

But back to the main thought! So that opened a world of insecurities and a lot of room for self improvement. And I felt pretty low a lot of the time and high a lot of the times.

So yea.. So much stuff has changed too. But I feel like I've gone no where. My ex has gone off exploring other people and I haven't. I've had mild encounters, but that's it. But I don't jealous. I don't like the way he's doing it. He's going with who makes him happy. he doesn't do commitments really anymore.

But I feel like I'm not moving. But everything is different with me. Maybe I have changed- more than I think. Maybe I can't realize it because I'm the first party...

Oh confusion... This stuff never ends right? Some part of me likes discovering new thing about me all the time.


Disney's picture


Well you've come a long way since grade 4, haha! Sometimes I wonder why gay people regularly call themselves fags, even if it's to show that it's *not* derogatory or because they find it funny, I do think it has way too many negative connotations today to be ascribed to oneself without some personal baggage going on. So do you prefer calling yourself a fag to calling yourself gay/queer/homo? Or maybe you just put it there without a care, haha hmm.

I don't think I've discovered anything new about myself for years, although I know I've changed to be more patient and hold back my thoughts.

Well, hope you have a splendid day!

You're Amazing.