F*@K

the ghost's picture

My mam has been on holidays over the weekend and now she is back she is in a terrible mood.I don't know why.She is always very moody and tempramental.Like one week she will be so nice to me and the next she is screaming at me for the smallest thing,such as leaving a door open or a light on in a room that is empty.I find myself walking on eggshells around her,and it is just so unpleasant.She has been like this for years.When my older sister lived at home she used to pick her moods out on her.Now she has left home,it is me who takes the brunt of her insane mood swings.

It still suprises me how hurt I can feel when she snaps at me about something.Tonight I was trying to make polite conversation and was asking about her plans for tomorrow as she has a hospital appointment when she screamed at me and asked why was I probing her about it.I actually thought I was going to cry.I'm not even sure why I took it so much to heart.

For the last few weeks she has been really pleasant and nice to me.It was really nice,but now I'm back to being on edge with her it is not nice.The thing is I love her so much.I hate arguing with her.I really really hate it.I had a small argument with her today before I went into college,and the whole time I was out I was worried because of it.I felt guilty for fighting with her,but at the same time she tried to use emotional blackmail on me which was what sparked the argument in the first place.So I don't think I could really be blamed for getting irritated with her.

My sister doesn't visit much anymore.She phones maybe once or twice a week.But she keeps her distance.My mam misses her I know she does.She will never say it,but I know she does.My sister loves my mam but I think she still holds a lot of hurt from when she did live here and was forced into angry confrontations with my mam.I think my mam is aware of this.But she is following the same pattern with me as she did with her.

I think basically my mother is a good person.She has had a tough life and I think that is what makes her behave as she does.For the most part I just want to hug her,and for life to be ok with her.I know she does love me,but I still find a nagging little voice in the back of my head whispering that maybe she hates me.Maybe she wishes she never got married,wishes she never had any kids.Wishes she had gone away and had a different life.

Tomorrow things will probably be ok and back to being nice,and that stupid little voice will shut up for a while.