Girls, food, weight, confusion

dykehalo's picture

I know I'm young and sometimes you just have to wait for things like the right person but damn it's soo fucking hard!
My friend just talked to me on the phone. She's all giddy and happy. She's found yet another girl she's head over heals in love with. Her relationships tend to actually last a couple months. I don't necessarily want the relationship that lasts my entire life right now. Just one for a couple months. I want a relationship that when i hear a song it reminds me of them. Where I'm all giddy and happy thinking about them. Someone i can hug and kiss who isn't my mother. I just want someone I love who loves me or at least like alot. That i can talk to and share things with. Who i can be myself with and i don't have to worry about the way i look because i know they like me for the way i am.

I love my friend but know that me n her will never happen. I pretend i don't want it to happen but i think everyone knows i do want it to happen. But she's made it clear i repulse her for anything other then a friend.

It's time when i start thinking about finding someone or how others see me that i fight not to go puke in the toilet. I haven't yet but I feel soo horrible and i feel like if i were only skinny everything in my life would be much better. Then my stomach gets this horrible feeling inside of it. My brain then tells me that if i don't do something soon something bad will happen. It's hard to explain. I realise i do have a weight problem and a horrible problem with food. I go for days without eating, or I'll skip all meal but one. Other times i eat and i eat and i never feel full or i do and i keep eating. My sister is dealing with her own problms she doesn't care. My mom is too busy taking care of other things to really notice and i already feel like too much of a burden. And my friends well there skinny. They make all these comments about being fat or how they can't eat a certain amount (like a 6 inch sub or something) and i go... i can eat like 9 inches of a sub. It's hard to talk to them because seceretly in my head i'm going... i weigh more then both of you. I'm huge so what do you really think of me.. do you just lie to me or?? do you even like me.

I'm just really confused right now and feeling really bad. I can't really express any of this in a way most people can understand but I've tried. It helps to get stuff out there more then anything else.

Comments

-Ruby-'s picture

aww... honey

i can't really relate to the whole overweight-thing...
i eat like a fucking pig, but i stay skinny. why? it's probably because i'm evil or something. i mean, witches don't gain weight, right? they use their EVIL to burn it off ~.~
anyway... you are so sweet, smart, funny, talented... and the list goes on. yes, you are a little chubby, so WHAT? i would let you take me home and play with me: 2 out of 2 Lesbian stephanies agree!
:-D oxoxox

dykehalo's picture

lol aww you know how to make

lol aww you know how to make me smile. I would go home and play with you but your old... sorry....
Argh I'm just soo fucking stressed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Pit band, adult band, concert band, co-op, trying to find a job, volunteering, babysitting, family shit, friend shit !
But you made me smile like you always do madam princess. And i'm glad you finally commented on one of my journals... you haven't in forever!

-Ruby-'s picture

Old !?!?!?

i don't have wrinkles or anything!
Plus you're taller than me...
:-P

dykehalo's picture

What does height have to do

What does height have to do with age????? Maybe you're short and old... and hot!
~~~Fear is only a verb if you let it be.. don't you dare let go of my hand~~~

-Ruby-'s picture

LOL

i'm not SHORT! you're just TALL.

dykehalo's picture

I geuss but like 5"8 is

I geuss but like 5"8 is turning into average height for females.
~~~Fear is only a verb if you let it be.. don't you dare let go of my hand~~~

whateversexual_llama's picture

((From a nutritional

((From a nutritional standpoint. I don't know anything about like, food and psycology))...

It sounds like your system is confused. The amount you eat isn't as important, in some ways, as the routine behind it. Your body is designed to have a regular metabolism... if you eat meals that are generally the same size and generally the same time each day, your body will be able to digest it and use the nutrients, instead of what it's doing now, which is absorbing the food really unevenly.

Seriously. =)

Be yourself. 'Cause if you're busy being somebody else, who's gonna be you?

Azul's picture

Psychologicaly...

Food is representative of a choice. When people are denied the ability to make their own choices, they find other things to supplement those lose choices. In the Holocaust, many people in the gulags and extermination camps committed suicide, not because of the conditions, but actually because it was their choice.

Anorexia nervosa and bulimia are in fact defense mechanisms. When someone has problems, their conscious mind uses defense mechanisms in hopes of solving it or at least staving it off until a later time. This is also a dependent defense mechanism because it works so well.

When dealing with human psychology, logic is nullified.