I know I'm young and sometimes you just have to wait for things like the right person but damn it's soo fucking hard!
My friend just talked to me on the phone. She's all giddy and happy. She's found yet another girl she's head over heals in love with. Her relationships tend to actually last a couple months. I don't necessarily want the relationship that lasts my entire life right now. Just one for a couple months. I want a relationship that when i hear a song it reminds me of them. Where I'm all giddy and happy thinking about them. Someone i can hug and kiss who isn't my mother. I just want someone I love who loves me or at least like alot. That i can talk to and share things with. Who i can be myself with and i don't have to worry about the way i look because i know they like me for the way i am.
I love my friend but know that me n her will never happen. I pretend i don't want it to happen but i think everyone knows i do want it to happen. But she's made it clear i repulse her for anything other then a friend.
It's time when i start thinking about finding someone or how others see me that i fight not to go puke in the toilet. I haven't yet but I feel soo horrible and i feel like if i were only skinny everything in my life would be much better. Then my stomach gets this horrible feeling inside of it. My brain then tells me that if i don't do something soon something bad will happen. It's hard to explain. I realise i do have a weight problem and a horrible problem with food. I go for days without eating, or I'll skip all meal but one. Other times i eat and i eat and i never feel full or i do and i keep eating. My sister is dealing with her own problms she doesn't care. My mom is too busy taking care of other things to really notice and i already feel like too much of a burden. And my friends well there skinny. They make all these comments about being fat or how they can't eat a certain amount (like a 6 inch sub or something) and i go... i can eat like 9 inches of a sub. It's hard to talk to them because seceretly in my head i'm going... i weigh more then both of you. I'm huge so what do you really think of me.. do you just lie to me or?? do you even like me.
I'm just really confused right now and feeling really bad. I can't really express any of this in a way most people can understand but I've tried. It helps to get stuff out there more then anything else.