i LOVE you

flatbreadass's picture

So, after a long heated debate over the state of a girl's mental health, and after my roomate and brandon left to go to walmart, keith and i got on the subject of the feelings i used to feel for this girl. she is beautiful, thats all there is to it. last semster we were really close and i really liked her, i mean i would have done anything to make her happy.sadly, she has a past that was steeped in insecurity and doubt and no matter how many times i explained all the good and wonderful things about her, she still remained this paranoid and clingy, lost little girl. that is not my personality. i need stable minds around me. last semster she was in "love" with this guy bandon, who used her for her body and even though she knew this she continued to sleep over by his place every night. when all of it came crashing down, it was us left to pick up the pieces. i would have been quite content to be there to hold her while she cried out the pain, like i had so many times before, but i needed to gt over her. i knew that if her vulnerability touched me i would be lost again, wondering why i cannot seem to reliquish this hold that girl had on me. so i distanced my self, got a boyfirend and pretended like i never flet anythign for her. apparently, that was a very bad move and she resented me for it. our friendship ended about amonth ago but we have mutual friends therefore we keep coming up in each other lives. right now she is dating a grad student who lied about his age, he is thirty. if she were someone else i would not care but she is so naive and does not know how to take care of herself. she slept by his house on the third date. she says she is still a virgin and all that but she uses her body to get attention from guys, which is detrimental to her mental frame, considerin that she thrives on attention from the opposite sex and when it is gone, she loses all grip on her life. i am tryin to stay out of it, her life is her business. i just dont want to have to watch her unravel again. she wasn;t there when i was falling apart when my grandpa died. she was too worried about brandon. i think i resent her for that as well. who knows?
so after that convo, me and keith was talking about how i taught him not to judge people, which is what i was doing. he was actually defending her, he was losing bc it was three against one, but he tried with all his eloquent might. he has a way with words. crystal was like, "you might as well give up on defending her bc you are fuckin losing." anyway after they left he was like before we became close ( i have known him all my life but we became reall close about a year and half ago), i would have given up on a friend that told me he/she was gay. i knew this about him and he wa slike but its different when you love someone. "i look at you and i think how can i hate that part of humanity whenever i love you" hes like ,amanda i LOVE(screams it) you and that doesnt change a thing. that made me smile, a genuine smile, not one forced by good manners. he is a three hundred pound almost six foot black guy, so his words are very imposing, his demeanor is as well. if it wasnt for me, he would be lost in this very open and changin world. if it wasnt for him, i think i would slip again and slip again...