I'm Not Sick But I'm Not Well. And I'm So Hot 'Cause I'm In Hell

PhoenixofVirtue's picture

I talked to my best friend today. I told him that I felt like my parents were gonna find out pretty soon. And he said that if I ever needed a place to lay my head his house was always available. I can have the whole third floor, he said.

My father found a cookie a year ago for a gay site...theGYC on my computer and said, "Son! Whatever you do, I don't want to find out that you are gay..." *rocks back and forth* "It goes against God and number two that lifestyle carries a lot of sexual diseases."

My father is a Baptist pastor. I feel so scared. He will be distraught. Sometimes I think 'Why don't I just jump out the window? No one will notice. Just drop the books and run. '
I feel like I'm dead, dying and going to die all at the same time.
I feel like I'm about to cry...And this is going to hurt them and shatter their hopes for me. I know I am who I am but I love them too much to tell straight-up, ya know? I am my mother's only child. The others? Miscarriaged and stillborn.

I'm not sick but I'm not well!

Comments

jeff's picture

Hmm...

Paranoia, paranoia, everybody coming to get me? :-)

Yeah, bit of a tough one, with the Baptist pastor angle going on. Depends where he is on the fundamentalist/liberal scale with religion, really. I mean, if he never wear clothing of mixed fibers or eats shellfish, both of which are also mentioned in Leviticus, the most direct of seemingly anti-gay Bible passages, then you know, you have a harder case to make.

Usually, people who like using religion as a argument against homosexuality are very committed to it, because, well, it would be like me giving up lesbian porn for Lent. It's easy to make a stand against something you never deal with. So, they firm up on the rules they follow because it's easy and get rigid about those, whereas the rules they break become less important to God somehow.

I think any interpretation of the New Testament would make it hard to think Jesus would be anti-gay, but, you know, I also think there is often a huge difference between a theoretical gay son and an actual gay son. That said, it sounds like your father gave you strict instructions: "Don't let me find out."

But, you need to find that balance where you are living your life and not his. How many friends can you tell for support before worrying it will go public and get back to him, and on down the line.

If your Dad has a problem with homosexuality, recognize it for what it is: his problem. Not yours. Your problem is just how to give and receive love from a father putting conditions on whether and if he will love you. So don't buy into any guilt bullshit.

If his religion doesn't let him want you to find love, don't give him his wish. If you're still religious, find anything that came out of Jesus's mouth that would indicate you shouldn't be about love. I think that means you owe it to him to find some other cute gay boy your age and start dating. If you're into the religious stuff, then you know, don't go giving it away too easily, date for a while, find the balance of sexuality and spirituality that needs to exist for you.

There are groups for these things (http://www.rainbowbaptists.org/, etc.), if making those two things merge is important to you.

As for shattering their hopes, eh, not really their job to plan your life out. They may have imagined a wedding with a bride, and grandkids, and on and on, but all of that can still happen with *slight* modifications. :-)

Their job is to support you and help you realize the dreams and goals in your life. If they aren't doing their job, then start building a "family of choice" around you that will. Oasis is a good virtual start, but good to have flesh and blood people in your circle, like your friend who already offered you shelter, that can pick up the slack in a way us virtual people can't.

But you need to define, live, and own your life and truth. If you measure yourself against their unrealistic expectations, then you'll never measure up. You still want everything they want for you, (love, happiness, family, relationships, etc.), you just need to focus on the truth of what they want, and not their mental limits on how those things should be realized.

At the end of the day, you will get to a place where your parents will need to change to stay a part of your life. Keep that in mind. If your relationship suffers and you only offer them love and truth, then they get to suffer the entire blame for why it goes bad. But you aren't pushing them out of your life when you're living your truth, they are deciding to leave. Don't let them guilt you into thinking otherwise.

And, of course, keep coming here where people will support and love you.

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"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.

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