Its been a while

PurpleLioness's picture

Since I have been on here.
A lot has happened.

I decided that I was bi, and then proceeded to get a boyfriend.
I actually liked the boy, he was attractive, skinny, full of problems a little feminine but that was very fine with me.

We dated for about a month and a half then broke up because I felt he didn't want to go out.
He had stopped calling all the time, stopped hanging out with me everyday, would say he would see me the next day but never showed or called.

He went off to see his mom back home where he used to live and while there got a cell phone.
He would text me everyday all day the whole time he was gone, and I still liked him quite a bit.

He came back after that week and we flirted all the time.
Each of us complaining to our mutual friend how we still liked each other.
Finally our friend got fed up and told us to just kiss and make up so we did and were going out from then on.

Two and a half months flew by and I realized there was something off.
Yeah I was very happy to be with him as long as we didn't kiss or anything further than that. It got to the point where I didn't even want to hold hands or hug.

I knew this wasn't how it was supposed to work. I should have wanted more touching, thinking about the future, begin to fall in love, and all the normal things you do in a relationship that lasted that long.

I let another few weeks go by after I noticed this before we talked and decided to just be friends. I was beyond relieved that he agreed to stay friends with me. I know I hurt him very much, he has told me numerous times but he is still here. He is one of my best friends and I don't think I could survive without him. That and drug buddy but the friendship comes first.

Its only been about a week since he and I split and I know now that the reason everything felt slightly off wasn't because I didn't like him anymore. It was because he is a boy.

I now wonder how long its going to take me to accept that I really am not interested in boys.

I had thought everything was fine, I had come out to closest friends and my brother. As well as to myself but apparently I had only talked myself into saying those words. I still repressed my true feelings because I wanted to be normal, not a disappointment to my mom or anyone else.
Just a regular girl who likes boys.

I don't.
Not at all. I know this because everything with a guy just feels so wrong and mildly gross.

At almost twenty years old I'm still going through trying to figure myself out.

I think I missed the memo while I was still a teenager.
I'm not ready to be that old.
I'm still so immature.
I'm still thought of as 15-17 at the oldest.

Hopefully after the 16th I'll get a good job so I can start saving up to move out.

Maybe once I've moved out I can grow up.
Or at least mature a little.

Comments

Arthur's picture

-halfsmile-

I can empathize with you on that. I mean, for a long time I was panicing about my feelings for random guys. I was more afraid my mom would find out I thought I liked guys, than I had been when I had to come out to her in tenth grade, so don't feel bad. I was a bit backwards. Mom would have been Happy if I liked males. It would mean that I might not be a Tranny after all. She'd have to keep dreaming though, cause I'd just be a bi Tranny-man! But I'm making this about me.

Don't worry about the fact that you're still trying to figure yourself out. You're still young (Wait, I'm 18! I make it sound like I'm imparting some crackpot-wisdom on a younger person!! ^^;) and there's nothing that says "You must have this all figured out by the age of 21 or you FAIL! T__T " There is no magick number. There may not ever be a point at which any of us can truly say, "Okay I've got it all down pat now! Let's boogie!" I just don't think it works that way.

But I will tell you one thing. You may just meet some nice Tranny-boy that changes your mind. :D It happened to my girlfriend. ;) So don't be so sure you have or haven't figured it out.

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"Sail away where no ball or chain
Can keep us from the roarin' waves
Together undivided but forever we'll be free.
Sail away aboard or rig
The moon is full and so are we
Seven drunken pirates
We're the Seven Deadly sins!!."--Flogging Molly, "Seven Deadly Sins."