Since I have been on here.
A lot has happened.
I decided that I was bi, and then proceeded to get a boyfriend.
I actually liked the boy, he was attractive, skinny, full of problems a little feminine but that was very fine with me.
We dated for about a month and a half then broke up because I felt he didn't want to go out.
He had stopped calling all the time, stopped hanging out with me everyday, would say he would see me the next day but never showed or called.
He went off to see his mom back home where he used to live and while there got a cell phone.
He would text me everyday all day the whole time he was gone, and I still liked him quite a bit.
He came back after that week and we flirted all the time.
Each of us complaining to our mutual friend how we still liked each other.
Finally our friend got fed up and told us to just kiss and make up so we did and were going out from then on.
Two and a half months flew by and I realized there was something off.
Yeah I was very happy to be with him as long as we didn't kiss or anything further than that. It got to the point where I didn't even want to hold hands or hug.
I knew this wasn't how it was supposed to work. I should have wanted more touching, thinking about the future, begin to fall in love, and all the normal things you do in a relationship that lasted that long.
I let another few weeks go by after I noticed this before we talked and decided to just be friends. I was beyond relieved that he agreed to stay friends with me. I know I hurt him very much, he has told me numerous times but he is still here. He is one of my best friends and I don't think I could survive without him. That and drug buddy but the friendship comes first.
Its only been about a week since he and I split and I know now that the reason everything felt slightly off wasn't because I didn't like him anymore. It was because he is a boy.
I now wonder how long its going to take me to accept that I really am not interested in boys.
I had thought everything was fine, I had come out to closest friends and my brother. As well as to myself but apparently I had only talked myself into saying those words. I still repressed my true feelings because I wanted to be normal, not a disappointment to my mom or anyone else.
Just a regular girl who likes boys.
Not at all. I know this because everything with a guy just feels so wrong and mildly gross.
At almost twenty years old I'm still going through trying to figure myself out.
I think I missed the memo while I was still a teenager.
I'm not ready to be that old.
I'm still so immature.
I'm still thought of as 15-17 at the oldest.
Hopefully after the 16th I'll get a good job so I can start saving up to move out.
Maybe once I've moved out I can grow up.
Or at least mature a little.