I went prom dress shopping to a popular mall today.Me and my couzin sister[around 22] felt really hungry,so we rushed to the food court.
I stood there,in the line for my turn at Mc Donalds,and suddenly,the hetrosexuality of this society emerged.
Everybody seems so unaware of this typical way of living. so unconscious by the fact that there MIGHT be lesbians or gays around.
Ive been in hetroville,and i too,was blinded by the very typical way of gender roles. Boy likes girl.Girl likes boy.Thats it.
I notice a 30 something mother,pulling her kid around,asking him what he wants to have as lunch. I bitterly think that she's obviously been fucked by a MAN and thus,produced the kid.
But then somethng stops me.wait.What if she's a lesbian,in a wonderful lesbain relationship,and has adopted the kid or somethng?
OR what if she is an unhappy married women,with secret desires of a lesbian?
Im sick and tired of this.Why cant we just have our sexual orientations on our foreheads or sumthng?Why cant the gays/lesbians/bisexuals be highlighted in neon green?Why cant i just KNOW a persons orientation by his/her looks?!
The worst part about all this is that,i dunt even know where i belong.
Till last week,i used to think im a bisexual.Then i started thinking too much about girls,so i decided that im going lesbain for sure.Just when i was declaring myself as a lesbian,i see myself checking out BOYS on the streets and actually finding them cute in that way!
Here's what i boiled it down to: I would LOVE to be a full-on lesbian,really.I'd take it as a blessing.But i like boys too.Sometimes i like boys a bit too much,sometimes i like girls a bit too much.You know,Like you get up in the morning,and you yearn for a Starbucks toffee frappuccino.But the other days,u'd prefer a regular cappuccino.
Its like my mood swings.Sometimes,it gets complicated,because i dont really know WHO to desire.I see a mob of people,girls and boys.I check out a really hot chick and turn around to face a equally good looking boy.
I know it shouldnt be confusing,but then it really gets to me.It complicates things.I just WANT to be this girl loving creature but i guess,i like boys too much to change myself.
I even ponder too much when i look at a girl.Is she a bisexual?Can i turn her into one?Is she a closeted lesbian?Transgender?
They probably even think im this weirdo,because i know i look pysched in my new emo haircut[short in length,one eye covered kinda thing].
What do i do?What do i call myself?My friends say im leaning more towards lesbianism...I dunno...
Why cant it just be easy?Why does labbeling have to be so...so...essential?I mean,i'd love to just go with the flow,you know,the whole sexual fluidity thing,but i cant.I cant help but THINK about it.
I like calling myself "Queer" though.Suits everyone :)