Hey y'all, it's me.
Well that was a message I got a few days ago and it had the perfect southern accent and I accidentally deleted it before I could communicate it to more people!
Anyway, as per the title, Lovelyboy Blues!
I had another entry to put down here, complete with happy times and all (it's about a date we went on weeks ago) but alas, my mind can't get off this, and I have lots of assignments and actual studying to do for next week, most of which is boring boring boring but probably a bad idea to leave until next week!
So Lovelyboy and I have been on another date as I mentioned, and have been talking over the phone a bit, and actually exchanging e-mails, which is really nice since we both take more time with those, even though there haven't been that many. The thing is, it feels sort of tense between us, and the main reason is university worries!
Nope, thankfully we're both keen and got accepted places, he's been accepted where he wants to go in Ontario (that's a province in Canada [ahem - the BEST province in Canada] where we both currently live, and a province is basically a state for anyone who didn't get that in their education journeys - no 'ies' at the end of 'journ' there, I hate/love) and I'm happy for him and know he made the right choices with it and know he'd really enjoy himself where he plans to go. The thing is, last year I knew I didn't want to go to university so close to home, and with some reduced benefits, and it's been the same through to this year. I basically know if Europe isn't it, it'll be British Columbia ala Vancouver, or Quebec ala Montreal - both 5+ hours from his school.
Okay, okay, I harp, but think about it some more! We're two super studly, apparently decent students who also happen to be gay and from suburbs and families that are a far cry from pro-gay. So heading off to university is a Godsend! And we both obviously went for schools that are pro-gay, and in my case I knew I wanted an urban centre for opportunities' sake. Now everything's been wonderful up to this point with one another, but WTF are we supposed to do going to two different schools and being so happy for it, but still wanting to get a lot closer, and still liking each other in what's currently almost a long-distance relationship.
Exaggeration maybe, but we don't see each other more than a couple times a month, if that, and I'm fine with it, but I know I want more, I know I need to experience more, and I know I wish I could go dancing with Lovelyboy at a gay Montreal club. But I wouldn't want him to switch schools for me more than I would (I'm basically in a 70-30 mental divide), and neither he nor I would want to try applying so late to anywhere worth going.
I'm so muddled about this, I think not having written anything about him and I in a while has made it worse so shame on me for not journaling I suppose.
We have 3 months of school left, we both have summer plans, mine are still slightly unconfirmed, but I'd probably be home for all of August, and he'd be home for the beginning of July but away until the later part of August. I just want to go kiss him right now and I know I can't do it without fun hell happening, and I am so hateful of schoolwork now and just want to go throw myself into university activities and meeting new people and being out and proud and feeling fine about it.
We'll be doing stuff over the next couple of months, my birthday is coming up so that makes a) a good excuse to claim friends are taking me somewhere and b) fun fun times with Lovelyboy. But then for all of June we'll both be busy, and I think our summers will be almost entirely apart too.
We don't even talk about university now, we were a month ago but now it's a mix of emotions I know you can pick up on, and we're both psyched for post-secondary but it's pretty much all laid out here, we both want each other and things are alright as they are, but it would be brilliant if we were at the same school, or at least within 2 hours of each other. And then we both know what we've wanted in having more freedom and being out and being able to pursue exactly what we want out of school, and he knows and I know and we both know we know that we can both find a field of gay guys at our schools and maybe they won't work out, but it'd be holding our development (whatever that may be) back by not dating outside of what we have.
I feel a lot more alone at school now, I still have my chums but my female confidante is also plenty busy and I really dislike the majority of courses I have this semester, and I see people holding hands and kissing and just being explicit and I feel like: I NEED TO GO but also like: I have someone to do that with, we just *can't* in public, and hardly *can* in private.
I have so much to be happy for and feel great about, but there's these points of even wondering: 'Why do I want to subject myself to 3-4 definite years of school, some of which will be horrible pre-requisites for later education?' and 'Will I wind up feeling bad/lost/consumed/non-unique about choosing to go to an urban centre when I've never lived in one?'
I watched a gay film set in the UK and about teens and felt so jealous of them for a while after, it was a good movie but looking up the actors, I suddenly wished I had just pursued a real art like acting or dance or painting or sculpting, and done just fine or really well in that, and had a lot less to worry about, and met lots of gay-friendly people, and hardly had to study, just DO what I liked, and have more free time and ugh. Too idyllic, I realize, but I am jealous of pretty young actors who really can pursue that and to me it seems easy and now I'm just lost lost lost.
Not really, but I've got Lovelyboy Blues, and he's not done ANYTHING wrong, and I'm being a poster boy for high school grads most of the time but hating all of these redundant assignments (and I almost want to pursue a job leading to the Ministry of Education so I can goddamn phase out Calculus - which I know less than 10% of the population uses, and which is a sad requirement for post-secondary things... and I get the thought-processing and even endurance factor, but hate away) and wanting to figure out what Lovelyboy and I will actually DO, and so hating the wait for just leaving for university.
Thanks if you read, double thanks if you comment(ed).