Aside from that delicious picture of Ellen Page [in which I said "fuck it" and put it under my who I'd like to meet], I haven't been feeling well these days.
Physically, my arm killed me the other night with a constant sort of charlie-horse and I cut my thumb really gnarly on my backpack the other day. But it's mentally that's dragging.
A decent summary would be I'm at a loss of lesbian/gay friends, I want to break up with C and don't know how to do it [and I think she feels it coming], all the cute girls are either too young, too religious, or too damn straight, and I live in the middle of a town that is conservative and I feel people are sick of my flambouncy.
Well, whoever said I was being mature about this?
But I guess it kind of amounts to some level of lonliness. I want someone [more] to relate too. Sure, C digs chicks but is also stuck in this mindset of keeping it quiet and that it's better to keep it under our shoes. The gay girls I see are still closeted and not really even ensuring they are gay and it's frustrating that there aren't any lesbians who are my age and out and open. OPEN.
God, I'm as open about my sexuality as can be. I might as well wear an 'I love girls' shirt.
And sometimes I feel like I'm being tooo gay. I know that everyone gets sick of it, including C. The fact that I've transformed into this lesbian who loves girls way too much and talks about them way too much and is far to righteous about her cause has C and S talking, I'm pretty sure. How they miss me, or something. I don't know C was brief in telling me this.
Ugh, and it makes me mad because [--now I'm just ranting--] I haven't transformed I'm just being who I've always been and never got to really be.
I don't know whether to credit it to my lack of relativity to anyone or their relativity to them or if I really am just being too gay.
I have more on the brain I'd like to blow off, but I'm sleepy.