Moving on,but Going nowhere.

missundastood's picture

Im ok.Really.I think im finally moving on.D[my current gf] is a very very sweet and adorable chick[more on her in the next entry].
The thing is,even though i don't cry at nights because i miss her,even though i don't feel hopeless or helpless,even though i don't feel empty,even though i don't feel full of nothing...a part of me,misses the intimacy she once brought in my life.
I just miss her talks...the conversations we used to have...the things she used to share with me...i may not miss her the way i used to,i may not want her back in my life the way i wanted her once.But i guess,somewhere deep down inside me,i suddenly miss our friendship.
Friendship,according to me,is the best relationship one can share with anyone.And me n S were really good friends once upon a time.Before...You know..."stuff" happened.
Now i look at her,she's miserable.She probably had a fight with her boyfriend.I'm actually kinda happy im not in that mess anymore.because if i was there,i would be this comfort blanket,she would hug or run to whenever she would have a fight with her boyfriend.other than that,she would never really "want" me.and trust me,i would left feeling so damn emotionally crippled.
But then this other part of me,wants to go comfort a friend.Like how i would,if we were just ordinary best friends.Like before.
I feel so...i don't know.I just feel i could hug her and let her know that im there...I'll always be there.Despite all our odds,Despite all we went through,I want to let her know that i still care.
I know we wouldn't get things back to normal...back to the time when we were just friends.I know we can never again be that.But then,why do i still want to?Why would i want her back in my life as a friend?After how she treated me?If she was a true friend,she wouldn't have really done such a thing to me in the first place,right?
I spoke to her online around a week back.She asked me how im going on with life.I told her im doing great.Without her.She asked "what do you want from me?"
I took a deep breath and typed "leave me alone".
She told me she would.But she also said she misses our talks.I told her i miss her too but nothing really can be done about it.She told me"if you ever want to talk to me,im always gona be there.plz plz talk to me if you feel like ok?dont keep it inside"
I told her i need time.I will talk to her when i would feel like,though.Just in some time.
Argh.Fuck it.

I'll try to be strong believe me,
I'm trying to move on,
It's complicated but understand me.

'Cause I, need time,
My heart is numb has no feeling,
So while I'm still healing,
Just try, and have a little patience,
have a little patience...
~Take That.