So I know I like women. Some women. Haven't met one right one yet, or anything. I don't even like stereotypical beauty, but I have liked women for a long, long time.
Other than that, the door's pretty much open. Am I butch? Trans-masculine? A guy? Do I like guys? Is it just the influence of going to an all-women's school? Who will I be when I'm gone? What gender expression do I really want, what gender identity? Am I hiding or confused? Or both? Is this denial, or what? And, really! I've been questioning for four, five years!
I almost decided I was a lesbian, but then there was a sweet, geeky guy, and I realized I was thinking about him a bit. Maybe not so much sexually, but I don't think about that many people sexually. I'm just horny, undirected horniness. When I hooked up with my friend I realized I liked having breasts, but I still don't know what gender I am.
And I LIKE queer theory, if no one else on this campus does! Gender revolution, sexual fluidity makes so much sense to me. But I don't have the guts to even admit attraction to men. Or possible attraction to men. OR open-mindedness, or anything.
Oy. I'm pretty mad at myself. And confused. I don't find much of a need for labels, but apparently everyone else does. And not having a label is choosing connotations, anyway. I wish I had a position I could happily defend. But I may be shirking the real issue: my cowardice.