Oy. Down the confusion road again.

the mouse that roared's picture

So I know I like women. Some women. Haven't met one right one yet, or anything. I don't even like stereotypical beauty, but I have liked women for a long, long time.

Other than that, the door's pretty much open. Am I butch? Trans-masculine? A guy? Do I like guys? Is it just the influence of going to an all-women's school? Who will I be when I'm gone? What gender expression do I really want, what gender identity? Am I hiding or confused? Or both? Is this denial, or what? And, really! I've been questioning for four, five years!

I almost decided I was a lesbian, but then there was a sweet, geeky guy, and I realized I was thinking about him a bit. Maybe not so much sexually, but I don't think about that many people sexually. I'm just horny, undirected horniness. When I hooked up with my friend I realized I liked having breasts, but I still don't know what gender I am.

And I LIKE queer theory, if no one else on this campus does! Gender revolution, sexual fluidity makes so much sense to me. But I don't have the guts to even admit attraction to men. Or possible attraction to men. OR open-mindedness, or anything.

Oy. I'm pretty mad at myself. And confused. I don't find much of a need for labels, but apparently everyone else does. And not having a label is choosing connotations, anyway. I wish I had a position I could happily defend. But I may be shirking the real issue: my cowardice.

Comments

milee13's picture

I totally blame gender

I totally blame gender questioning on women's college. Completely. That whole second paragraph is my thought process here at school...at women's college.

At least I'm open minded....

jeff's picture

Eh...

If you dump all those questions, you would free yourself to act on your feelings instead of question them, process them, categorize them... I mean, you've created a way to figure out how many different ways you can approach liking women... umm, why don't you go after the women now, and let life and hindsight answer those questions?

I think you're right, though. You seem to use questioning as procrastination moreso than an actual stage in figuring things out.

---

"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.

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whateversexual_llama's picture

It sounds like you know what

It sounds like you know what you are, more or less. What you're strugglig with is the right label. And labels suck.

I have the one-word solution for you: WHATEVERSEXUAL! =D

Be yourself. 'Cause if you're busy being somebody else, who's gonna be you?

thinks's picture

I agree with Jeff

I agree with Jeff except for the procrastination part. I mean, I'm not against Jeff or anything, maybe he's right. I just happen to believe that there may be another option, that you may simply be afraid (in some way and not in a coward like way) of FINALLY settling on something. Don't know why but if I had to guess I'd guess that maybe it's because you have been guessing yourself for a long time.

Anyways I didn't even know you were still on here. Nice to see ya.

wild-blue-yonder's picture

We're never going to get

We're never going to get away from labels, are we? I have these moments of crystal-clear vision, sometimes (usually late at night or when I'm walking alone in the woods), when I suddenly see how labels are absolutely, completely and totally irrelevant to who I am and how I live my life, and I feel so free... but inevitably, usually not more than five minutes later, I'm dragged back to reality and the fact that, no matter how I feel, the rest of society demands labels. It needs them. And since I live in society, and I'm part of society, I can't escape them.

I guess I need to give up on the holy-grail-type idea of forever shedding labels. Instead I need to work on finding that subtle in-between state of choosing enough labels to interact with the world on a practical basis, but not letting them mix with my thoughts or feelings. I hope I'll reach that point someday.

Try not to tear yourself up over the label issue. I think you're right, though, that these issues can also indicate procrastination, and maybe you're relying on that to protect you from having to deal with some other issue that makes you uncomfortable. Maybe you might want to think about that?