Potentially awkwardness

the ghost's picture

Arrgh I am back to college tomorrow,after having two weeks off.I should probably be in bed by now.I am quite tired.I had about three hours sleep last night before I had to get up for work this morning,as I went out with my friends and didn't make it home until the small hours.

It was sort of a random,unexpected night out.I hadn't planned on going,but my friend really wanted to and succeeded in talking me around to go out with her.She is a friend I work with and whom I am closeted to.As we hadn't planned on going out after work,I didn't have enough time to go to my house and then get ready.So we decided it would be quicker to get changed in hers.Which would be where things sort of got awkward...well not exactly awkward..it would probably be better to say potentially awkward when I do come-out.

Basically the girl has no problem getting changed in front of me and vice-versa,and there is no reason she should have a problem.It is not like I would be perving on her anything,and I find nothing arousing about the whole situation(does that make me a bad lesbian?)but I am scared she is going to be really uncomfortable about it when I do eventually get around to telling her.

She is not homophobic really,but I do know lesbians/gayness makes her a little bit uncomfortable.She went to a gay bar a few weeks ago because a friend of a friend was going with her group of friends.She was telling me about it afterwards and she did say she was a little bit uncomfortable.Mainly because the girls there were kind of joking with her and her friends because they could see it was making them uncomfortable.

It was not the first time we have gotten changed togethr.Usually when there is a staff night out we will go and do the whole girly getting ready to go out thing in one of our houses,and everytime we do I worry about what she will say or think once she knows.I know I should probably stop sitting contemplating my life and sort it out.But somehow I can't seem to help doing it.
Arrrrgh.

Comments

jeff's picture

Ehh...

So, you know she'd be OK with you being gay, and otherwise you are worrying about things you can't control (her reaction), which is pointless. So... pretty easy.

---

"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.

Add me on MySpace!

the ghost's picture

As usual you are right

As usual you are right Jeff,but I somehow cannot seem to just do it.I am not sure why exactly.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent-Eleanor Roosevelt

jeff's picture

Well...

Pointing out the obvious doesn't mean it's easy. :-)

You like the relationship you have and worry it will change. Normal enough. You just need to realize that the relationship is built on your presenting a false version of yourself to her, and her reacting to those lies. So, ultimately, what you see as perfect is only perfect because it isn't based on truth.

That isn't to say it can't be the same once it is truthful, just that you don't know. But, it is always worth the risk to build connections in life that exist based on them knowing the totality of who you are. It's living a life without filters. We all want that.

I just started a new contract job, and Oasis was on my resume. Many people on the team mentioned Oasis in the interview, and since I was hired, they started every discussion knowing I'm gay. So, you know, when that is just the boring background info, you build relationships based on not presenting false info and then everything that happens doesn't have all of these other questions of what would happen if they knew, etc.

I don't want jobs if they would be uncomfortable with my being very out and gay, and if co-workers at jobs are concerned, we'll work together, but I'll sense there is distance there, but eh, who cares, life is short. We'll get our job done and get paid. I have to say, though, that no one has had a single issue with it. Most walls and obstructions people see are not grounded in reality, only fear.

---

"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.

Add me on MySpace!