I am thoroughly exhausted. Sunday night I got 3 hours of sleep but I loved it because after 12:30-ish I felt AMAZING, like a sudden burst of happiness and energy and for once everything seemed like it would be back on track. I've been having trouble concentrating and focusing to finish all my work, so I've been falling behind and screwing up, which is not like someone in the top ten people of their class. Staying up late by fighting through the excessive exhaustion just prior to adrenaline boosts reminded me what it felt like to be energized, excited, in control, and actually able to get all my work done. I hoped I could feel it again. The following school day was very productive, because I could overcome minor mental impairment and slowness with impressive energy and motivation. I also had a GSA meeting and I was actually animated and inspiring!
So then I did it again last night because I just couldn't concentrate, but I got 3.5 hours this time and managed to get a bunch of materials together for my NASA internship application (yep, I'm psycho like that). Today wasn't nearly as good. I was great at first, but then I noticed throughout the day that I was feeling kind of sick and had stomach pain. This gave way to noticeable sickness, headaches, and exhaustion. So much for adrenaline. I absolutely need to become a polyphasic sleeper on either the Everyman or Uberman schedule (look it up, it's fascinating) which (after the hellish adjustment period of 1-2 weeks) allows you to function perfectly on 2 hours of sleep a day formed by several naps at regular intervals.
I've been worried about my inability to concentrate because it's affecting my schoolwork and personal life. I've been dealing with a combination of insomnia, mild depression, a poor self-image, and very low self-esteem. I need to fix this BEFORE I go to college, especially if I get into my first choice, MIT.
On another note, I'm still trying to deal with strongly liking a straight friend I'll call "DS." He definitely straight, but I can't help myself. He's not my usually type, except for that tight, lean, muscular, incredible body, but if he were actually gay or bi we would probably work. It's just frustrating because of the lack of actual gay guys in my area and the fact that with the few chances I've had to make a move I either screwed up or was too late. Plus, I see him almost every day. Of course he has no clue and we still have a good time around each other, but I'm afraid I'll slip or do something stupid like one friend I know. This is a common scenario and I should just get over it, but I've never been kissed or had a relationship and at 17 that's hard for me, especially with my emotional problems and the fact that I love to cuddle, sometimes crave attention, and don't really have anyone to hold me and be there when I really need it and just make me feel loved.
So much bitching.
On a lighter note I love my green shirt form Hollister. Several years ago and I would have gladly torched the store (it was my semi-goth phase, the year I first told someone). These days I love fashion and bright colors.
Also on another note, these are the piercings I am planning to get once I escape to college:
My parents won't even recognize me when I come home during Christmas since I'll probably be dying my hair.