i don't know what's up with me today. im not in one of my depressive oceans of old, but i feel kinda "drifty". a nice chat with a mental healthcare professional might be beneficial. whats wrong with me? i guess cos im on the cusp of the dreaded coming out to family. now that i have A, i dont want to be hidden anymore. it will be ok, but its that first plunge.
A is good. he told me the other night that he loves me, and all i could do is respond appropriately - because i do. i love him. im not IN love tho, and neither is he - we cleared that up - but you know, i could honestly say that i may indeed fall in love with him. words can't describe what i feel for him.
something is nagging at me tho - and it has nothing to do with my beautiful man. i just cant see what he sees in me. ive felt like a disgusting blob of shit for the longest time - and all of a sudden i have someone telling me how handsome and hot and gorgeous i am. and in the back of my mind im thinking, "why? how the FUCK did this happen?!" it makes me sad because i know that he must see something in me, but another part of me just doesnt get it.
i like my face, but thats about it. i'm proud of my eyes and lashes - im allowed to be a bit self centred, i AM gay - but the rest i see as a vast mass of lard. i hate my nipples, too.
my sister tells me that im classically handsome, like an old movie star from the 50s, and to be frank, i can see that in certain lights, but often i just feel gross. i just dont really know what to do. i know that only i can change my outlook, but these things are easy to say and hard to actually do.