Stress, Stress and more stuff.

dykehalo's picture

FUCK! I was writing this really long journal entry and it dissappears. FUCK!
Okay so I've decided to try and write one of those long journal entries that everyone else writes that my attention span is never long enough to read every word from.
I'm trying to figure out what to drop from my scheduale. I'm way too busy and I'm getting very very stressed and am starting to have panic and anxiety attacks alot. I can't sleep and i'm either eating too much- binging, or not eating at all.
So heres my scheduale
Monday- 8am Leave for Co-op. 11:05 Back at School for classes. 3 Back Home. Monday is my easiest day. I've tried moving things from my busy days onto it but it doesn't work out.
Tuesday- 715am Leave for School Concert Band. 8 Leave Band go to Co-op. 10:50 go back to school for lunch meetings. 11:05 attend classes. 3 at home. 3:10 Leave for music lessons. 545 Go to dad's for quick dinner. 615 off to my first tutor student. Home by 8.
Wednesday- 8am Leave for Co-op. 11:05 Back at school. At pit band until 4:30-5. Home for a bite to eat. My other tutor student. Back home at 9.
Thursday- 715 Concert Band. 8 leave school for co-op. 1105 back to school for class. Pit band until 430-5. Dinner at home. Then off to adult concert band until 10.
Friday- 8am co-op. 1105 School. Then normally something with my friends, getting caught up on homework etc.
Every morning before i leave i shower get dressed get stuff ready for the day etc. At night I try and do homework, practice my music catch up on my internet goings on, pay attention to my dog and mom and plan rides for upcomming needs.
On Sundays i'm trying to get back in the habit of going to church. Also starting this Sunday I have Pit band for 6 hours. I also have random Pistons games scheduale throughout the weeks. Which means I can't do anything that night. And coming soon I have Shock. I've given up some of my Piston's games but it's something I enjoy that lets me relax for a change. My dad is also bugging me to get a part time job. Like occasionaly babysitting and tutoring 2-4 times a week isn't enough for him. So i'm trying to find one. I also have to take drivers ed soon.
I just don't see anything I can drop maybe school concert band but that's first thing in the morning so that doesn't make my nights easier and music lessons my mom said I should cancel them for awhile just to get my feet back on the ground but I'm thinking maybe just clarinet because it's more expensive and it continues during the summer where Piano does not and i'm pretty far on clarinet if i really wanted I could continue from here on out on my own but I don't want to and there's always more I can learn.

I just don't know what to do. My only other option is to get on some kind of drug. Like even before i got this busy i was having panic and anxiety attacks.
I also have a ton of shit going on with my dad. He's Gf is suppose to be moving in (it's been in the works for almost 2 years now) and he just hasn't been working on it. He says he has to fix stuff around the house before her and the kids can move in but honestly! Come on... I never know what to say to anyone about her the kids or my dad. How do you explain a 47 yr old man living in a 4 bedroom 4 bathroom house... alone. And he's barely ever home. He's also dating a 40 yr old who has 3 kids. All with problems.... I don't understand it. He hasn't even told his mother he's dating this women. They've been dating for SEVERAL years now. I just hate it. I hate hiding things from my grandma.. Honestly she's become one of my best friends. She doesn't know i'm gay and neither does my father or his gf but they are all pretty homophobic so i'd rather just wait it out.
My dad's girlfriend is constantly emailing me to complain and then ask me about her kids and stuff. Her daughter talks to be on a daily basis and confides in me and i actually understand her unlike her mother so her mom is always trying to figure her out and asking me questions about it.

My mom had this bump on her back for like a couple years. The doctor said it was nothing and to just leave it. Well about 3 weeks ago it started to bruise. Then it popped and it was bloody and shit. Then she had minor surgery to fix it and she's been in and out of the clinic almost everyday. She's also trying to get and move my sister into an apartment it's either that or my sis is coming home this weekend because she's done exams so she has 24 hrs to leave her dorm room.

It's just soo stressful. I'm always looking for rides to here there and the other place. It's not like theres public transit in my city. Well there are about 4 buses or so and they don't go into the county so I'd be screwed anyway. Because I live out in the county.
I'm over due for a dentist appointment but we can't even find a date to go that works with the dentist and us. Luckily my dog got into the vets today he was about 16 days overdue for his yearly shots. I'm always worrying about him. He's my baby so at least if im not healthy or feeling right or need to go to the doctor or dentists i like to make sure he has everything up to date.

I always feel bad asking my mom for rides especially lately because she works full time plus she's been in and out of the clinic lately and dealing with my sister, she does almost everything around the house plus drives me around. I realize she's a mom and many moms do this without a problem. But I should help out more and I just don't. Easy answer to that problem- help out no excuses. Maybe this weekend (Saturday- Only day Im free) I'll clean the house and do all that kind of stuff while she's up in the big T.O.

University is also coming very fast which is scary. But i'm stoaked. Maybe a change of sceneray will be good for me but it's not for another year. But I can look ahead and be excited.
I think this is long enough. I'm out of stuff to say. For now.

Comments

wilma wonka's picture

dealing with stress

I just finished a play where I was acting, playing in the orchestra, and the only one doing props, so I know what it's like to have about a million things going on at once and be REALLY stressed because of it all. Somehow I managed to find ways of dealing with it rather than quiting any of the activities. For me it was helpful to find times to do things that released stress/made me smile (for me, it was harp), spending time with my friends instead of doing work, and planing out when I was going to do work. For me a big sourse of stress is that when I have tons of stuff on my plate, I tend to spend ALL my freetime at school working. But, if I tell myself that I will absolutly (no matter how much work I have) not do work during specific times (ie: lunch/dinner breaks, a free period here or there) but instead spend it with friends, it helps me keep from blowing up. I was only able to do this though, if I really analy planed when I was going to do what. Also, make sure to savor the little pleasures in life, even good weather while walking your dog; it helps make things seem so much easier to cope with. And remember that things always find a way to work themselves out. There's this quote for Catcher in the Rye that sums it up really well "If you was a fish, mother nature would take care of you."
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"gay: cheerful and lighthearted; merry." - The American Heritage Dictionary.

jeff's picture

Well...

Sort of depends what your goal is as far as college, etc. Seems like a lot of bands, so you know, if you plan to be a music major, that makes sense. Also, tutoring... once again, aside from the money issue, is it something that would help you in university, such as if you were going to be a teacher or something.

I think the lens for all this stuff is all goal-based as far as what you plan to do with your life. I mean, if you're not going to be a music major, or work with kids, then dump all bands, babysitting, and tutoring. All of them will end when you go to university in a few months anyway, so doesn't seem like it's an issue. What good is extra money when you have yourself to booked to spend it?

I mean, you'd have to give up all the same stuff once you have your mental breakdown, so why not choose it now instead? :-)

Also, stop getting involved in stuff that isn't your problem. Dad doesn't tell his mom he has a gf... so? Your dad's gf e-mails you with questions... tell her to work it out with him, you have enough going on in your life.

There's always a case to be made you have to keep doing things because you have in the past. It's just not true, though. Just stop today.

Drugs are never a good answer, it's not like you have some disorder, just a cluttered schedule. And, of course, as Heath Ledger found out, over time, the effectiveness wears off, and you have to keep taking more for it to work. Plus, it doesn't fix the underlying problem.

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"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.

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dykehalo's picture

I meant drugs as in legal

I meant drugs as in legal drugs. And I plan to be a music teacher so you can see how they are all nevessary that's why i'm having such a tough time. Deciding what if anything to drop.
~~~Fear is only a verb if you let it be.. don't you dare let go of my hand~~~

jeff's picture

Yeah...

Legal drugs are dangerous drugs. People get just addicted and overdose from things for which they have prescriptions. If you can't handle high school without prescription drugs, that is a bad, bad start down a path I would warn anyone from ever stepping on.

20 million kids are on Prozac now, whereas none were on it in 1980. Do you think the world is that much worse, or that a corporation has a product to sell, and your doctor's bosses like refillable prescriptions. I find people who take drugs for things never stop taking drugs, ever. Now it's prozac, then it will be hypertension, and then cholesterol, etc., etc., stay out of the system.

I was a music major for one year, and I think it depends on what you intend to teach. I don't think you necessarily need to be in jazz band, and concert band, and marching band, and everything... I also have no recollection of those occurring at the same time when I was in school, they each stayed apart for the most part.

Again, the idea is to decide which one benefits you the least and dump it. It doesn't have to be unimportant, just rank them all and the bottom of the list goes. Too easy to say six things are ruining my life and I have to do all six of them. That's just complaining and procrastination masquerading as attempting to take action. :-)

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"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.

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Leisa's picture

I agree with Jeff :)

I agree with Jeff :)