The Future Freaks Me Out

PhoenixofVirtue's picture

2. "I'm on fire and now I think I'm ready to bust a move, check it out I'm rockin' steady!" So the title of this, my first entry, is the song from Motion City Soundtrack that basically sums up my life right now. I feel like I'm caught between a volcano and the Earth's core, that's how melodramatic things have played out since I had that fight with two of my friends. I'm not gonna name them because naming them on an online journal is how they found out about the things I said about them before....so I think I'll just call them Mitch and Lass. It's funny because Mitch and Lass are with me all the time...and they both made me angry last Friday when Lass said something as if she was going to have fun with Mitch and didn't want me around. I think I blew what she said out of proportion. At that time in the week I was going through a lot of stress, and I could barely get any sleep and I was barely eating either. That's how bad school made me. Pissed, I went home and wrote about how I "felt" on Livejournal. And then the thing is that what I wrote was very, very stupid because I didn't mean anything I said about them. My anger was based on irrationality. Thinking I was safe, I decided not to confront them about how I felt because I knew it would have escalated into something bigger than what already was. I just didn't have time for drama, ya know? As the weekend ended I saw Mitch and Lass once and semi-smiled in their faces, actually forgetting about what I had done two days prior. They were indifferent. Tuesday came and they confronted me about it at lunch. I felt like I had been slapped in the face! Me: O_O Woah Them: -_- We have some issues Ya know what those two did? They went on Google and typed in Mitch's name to see what would pull up and they found the entry. I could've sworn it was made private. But no. I went back and LJ had double-saved the entry. One was private, one was not. But that doesn't matter because my entire journal is exposed to the world, which is why I don't even see the reason of setting it to "private" anymore. The search engines break through all that and pull it all up. Invasion. So Mitch and Lass wrote the entire entry down word for word on a sheet of paper and pointed some things out to me. I simply told them I had no words to say and that that's the way that I've been feeling for the past few days, which was a complete denial of what was really going on. I had forced myself to get rid of this act in that short amount of time. So Lass told me to stay away from her for a long, long time. Going home that night I really did reflect on what happened because none of it was meant to be in that way. I overreacted to what Lass and Mitch had done the previous week and my plans for thoughts of solitude backfired. I wrote down my apology in my notebook, which stretched four pages. It explained everything. Even things from the past that they had said/done were bothering me inside, like some festering boil. I couldn't stand it anymore because everything else in my life felt like it was about to malfunction and I felt even more hopeless because my friends were malfunctioning, too. All in all I texted Lass the following day and for two hours we went back and forth, back and forth, with her saying "Fuck you" many times to me. So she used something in my LJ I said about being with friends I hadn't seen in years and then told me to go leave her the fuck alone. That night I went to my college Philosophy class and I was with my friend Caitlin. I asked my Professor for advice and she and Caitlin both said that I basically needed to give them space. A hiatus was needed. Things needed to cool after that whole eruption. On the way out of the college, Lass texted me: 'Where are you? I need to talk to you.' And we spoke to each other and I basically broke down with the apology that had been inside of me for awhile. She seemed ready to reconcile but was still a bit facetious in her tone with me...and the next day I found out that she asked a girl who I was when the girl mentioned me to her. And Lass ignored the hell out of me in class. All day. The future just freaks me out.

Comments

jeff's picture

they wrote down an entry from LJ word for word??

Don't these people have printers?!
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"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.

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PhoenixofVirtue's picture

Haha. I know right?

Haha. I know right?