The Wrong Derivation

thinks's picture

It’s late so I’ll try to make it simple, despite my thinking tendencies.

I’m obviously attracted to one of my guy friends but I know for a fact that he’s not attracted to me. I’ve found this out through several obvious methods that involve communication not only with him, but others.

The problem is not being attracted to him, it’s why I’m attracted to him. I’ve apparently tricked myself into believing that the constant episodes in which he confides his inner self to me is an act of something more than just a general intimacy. Confiding in another person can equal intimacy but the intimacy that I receive from him is not in any way the type of intimacy I’ve been feeling. The love I feel from him isn’t the love that he is giving.

So my question is, how do I help myself and him at the same time? I cannot just leave him, our friendship is special, but in no way is it on a gay level. I know that he is straight, he is in a relationship with a girl right now and I don’t want to hear counter arguments about how he might be gay. He’s not. I know. It’s just really hard for me to understand him in the way that he’s really coming at me.

I think this is a hard and very debatable subject. I hope for all sorts of responses, leave no thought unwritten. I seek all advice. I said I’d try to keep it simple, forgive me if I didn’t. I can at least make it short.


jeff's picture


Sounds like you two are close, so I'm guessing he knows you're gay, as well?

My advice would be to tell him you have a crush on him, but know it's not going to go anywhere, but that despite the fact that it might make you act weird around him before, you want him to know he's important to you and that you want to make sure he helps you work through any weirdness until all that's left is a deeper friendship.

The only way to maintain deep, intimate relationships with friends and lovers is to not hold back and tell them everything in your heart and mind. If you two are as close as you've indicated, then it will give you a comfortable place where you have the right to bitch that he should be all about the cock, and life isn't fair, and as long as he knows it's coming from a pure place, and that you're not trying to get him to give you passive pity oral or anything, then it can just become part of your relationship as friends.


"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.

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thinks's picture

It's too bad...

He actually doesn't know I'm gay. Of course he may sense something or have a "feeling" he's told me things regarding this before but it hasn't become a fact to him yet.

I really like your thinking, and this is where it gets complicated, but it would be easier for me, right now, to not tell him. Call it a weakness, call it whatever you will but what I do know is that I seem to understand what's going on right now. I'm not ready for a dramatic change or, as sad as it sounds, the potential of losing him as a friend. He shouldn't be my friend if he couldn't love me regardless but I still question his ability to do so. I'm very nervous about telilng him, it's like he's my world. He's one of a kind in my life.

At any rate, I'm very glad to have received your advice. Thank you ;)

Feel free to question me more if you want.

Lol-taire's picture

If you don't feel it's a

If you don't feel it's a problem that you're attracted to him, then I don't really see what the problem is. You don't necessarily need to relate to him on the same level he relates to you, unless his inability to reciprocate your attraction is making you unhappy.

I think there's room for a little ambiguity in friendships. Of course, there's a problem in any relationship when there's a big disparity between what one person feels compared to the other, but clearly he feels close to you or you wouldn't be his confidente.

It's like if you might be friends with a person because they make you laugh but they're friends with you because you're a good listener. The fact that you're taking one thing from a friendship and your friend takes another doesn't invalidate the relationship.
The problem is when either what you get from the relationship is completely different to what you want from the relationship, or when you're not getting anything back at all.

I am still quite attracted to one of my [straight] best friends. It doesn't matter because I don't actually want a sexual relationship with her, I want the friendship we currently have. If I really wanted a sexual relationship with her then things would be different and angstier. I'm fine just feeling a little bit butterflyish in the stomach occasionally when I see her. And I don't think I need to express this to her for us to stay friends. Not because it's a secret exactly, it's just not everything needs to be said.

You have to work out what you want from this friendship (not just what you think you can settle for), and if what you want is one of the options.

thinks's picture

I like your insight

Thank you for this wonderful insight! I'm sorry I can't say much more right now I have something I must attend at the moment but I will write more later!