*Why cant i find happiness,in your happiness?*

missundastood's picture

I know you want me back as a friend.I know you miss our friendship.But all you get from me,is a cold,chilling attitude.You patient,your giving me as much as time possible to heal completely. I should be thankful and grateful that your so understanding. But all i still do,is hate you.
I do not feel happy when your so happy. How can i be a justified friend then?I cannot share your happiness. Instead,i get frustrated, thinking how you can be so calm and composed, after making me go through crap. No,i dont feel happy when you temme or even mention his name to me.No, i dont feel good when you talk about your new found best friend. I hate you for being so close to her and hate the fact that im not the one. Although, i know, that if i want,i can still be your friend. I can let go, i return to being your ally.But why is it so hard to forgive you?
Why do i want you to call me up and cry on the phone? Why do i want you to run to me and hug me tight,telling me you miss me too[in "that"way]?
Why do i want your black heart to crush to tiny million pieces in my memories?In my missing love?
You talk to me,as if,im suffering from some unknown disorder. You think i need help,dont you?
I dont.I hate you for fucking thinking that way.I hate you for thinking bisexuality is a disorder and not admitting your one too,after all that we've been through.
I want to see you cry.I want to see you burn in misery.I want to hear the pain and anguish in your voice.And not the content,calm voice;you usually have.I want to call you a fake,in front of the entire school.I want to call you a liar,deceiver and traitor,in front of all those so-called friends u hang out with now.In front of all those friends you hug and cant stop touching.
I hate the way you look to ravishing and fresh every morning at school,when i just manage to look pale and sleepy.I want to hear you scream my name in extreme desire.
Im probably even forgetting what you did to me, but i fucking CANT forgive you. I can even forget what u did to me, but i cant forget how u made me feel.How miserable you once made me feel.
If all this makes you think that im still not completely over you,you can go ahead and think whatever you want to think.
When you said," you hate me,dont you?".You were probably right.
Because i would love to see you bleed.Bleed for me.
While i laugh and enjoy my life.Just the way you are now.
Why,i ask in the name of God,cant i find happiness,in your happiness?


Lol-taire's picture

Cut contact, seriously. I

Cut contact, seriously. I know that's difficult at school, but as it is you're picking at scabs and of course it's painful. You'll feel terrible whether you see/ talk her or not, but each time you talk to her you make it worse for yourself.

Work on the basis that your friendship is dead. Don't pretend you're working towards a point where it can be restored, assume you'll never speak to her again. That way you don't need to feel under pressure to forgive her.

And when one day you realise you have forgiven her, then maybe that's when you'll be friends. If you still want to be.

Anyway, no-one's happy about someone else's happiness unless they're happy themselves. It's such a lie that to be a good person you have to be happy that other people are happy. Being happy someone is unhappy might make you a bit of a bad person- although that's never stopped me. But if you're unhappy then other people's happiness is the most annoying thing in the world.