My Fella Americans,
In just a coupla more months the polls will open and the choice will need to be made on who should be elected as the new President of these United States of America. Now I know it might be tempting to check that little box that reads ‘Democrat’ but don’t be fooled by them liberals and their non-christian ways. They can’t offer you what a God-fearing, church-going, big-business loving republican can. But also when you show up to vote on that first Tuesday in November, don’t check off old John McCain’s name, he can’t handle a big win like that, it’s not good for that old heart of his. When you go to vote put a big check mark next to my favourite candidate; President George W. Bush.
Now I can see the confusion on your faces. After all, you can only be president for two terms, not three, but I feel I deserve a special constitutional amendment. I cannot think of a better president in the history of presidents, well maybe Richard Nixon or Ulysses S. Grant, but after them I can’t think of a soul. Now I know you think I throw around the term “constitutional amendment” a lot. But I only use it when I’m serious. By giving me this amendment I can further push my other amendment to make marriage between a man and a woman, because gay marriage is icky and God doesn’t like it, I know this because the bible said so and whatever the bible says is what I go with because I am a church-going, God-fearing sort of man and America should follow whatever my bible says no matter what. As a republican I do not believe in the separation of Church and State. Man should be at one with his Creator and His word. Some of you liberals might find this to be wrong and going against the word of the Founding Fathers, but I am President of the United States and you’re not so I obviously know what I am talking about or Florida would not have fixed the election in my favour, I mean, recounted the ballots to insure my victory was true and what the people of Florida wanted. I am a man of the people.
As the current president these United States have seen toil and torment. Osama Bin Laden caught us off our guard and used terrorism to destroy our World Trade Center, the Pentagon, and some field in Pennsylvania. Thousands of lives were lost on that fateful day and like any good president I kept calm and composed in the face of danger. I sat quietly in the back of a classroom and listened to what happened to a duck in a story. My secret service tried hard to break my composure, but I sat there, never listening to a word they said, only to the story being told as any good president would have done. In 2003 I, with the help of congress, declared a War on Terror, now I know that seem vague, but that’s okay, we all understand what it means now and I don’t want to waste any time explaining it. I took down Saddam Hussein and saved Iraq, no Afghanistan, no wait it was Iraq, or maybe Afghanistan…. I saved the Middle East from the rule of an evil dictator, true we never did find those WMDs I promised, and Tony Blair had to retire as British Prim Minister amidst scandal, but we must look on the bright side and see that we still have a healthy war being fought with no end in sight.
If America elects me as president for a third term I will make sure gas prices do not stay at four dollars but jump to prices well beyond five and maybe even six dollars. Americans have too much money, especially the poor, it needs to be spent constantly to ensure the economy stays strong and the terrorists don’t win. In my third term I will work hard to earn an approval rating well below the 27% mark that I am at now. In my third term I will end a woman’s right to choose because abortion is murder! In my third term Wall Street will see a crash like never before. In my third term the dollar will drop far below the Chinese Yen. I promise you America, my third term will be better than my first two or my name isn’t George W. Bush.