Help!

DesuCake9000Cheez's picture

I'm 12 and I'm Bisexual, a 4 or 5 on the Kinsey scale probably. My parents are absolutely disgusted by gay or lesbians. I'm always covering up my tracks- in fact, i used a temporary email for this account and I've also erased my files, history, cookies etc. I'm really scared. I don't know what to do. I've never had a gay partner, but I've had several strong feelings since I was small- I remember I saw a magazine about body builders at the grocery store when i was little, and i couldn't stop looking at it. I'm currently obsessed with a guy in my class- let's call him S. I think he might be gay too. But i don't know for sure. Thanks for any help,
Anonymus

Lynn27's picture

Ok first of all,

What's the Kinsey scale?Sorry i'm just sorta uninformed...

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jacjessen90's picture

Potterhead #1 said the

Potterhead #1 said the kinsey scale was developed by dr. kinsey to figure out how "streght/gay/bi-" some one is it goes from 0-6, 0= streight and 6=gay.

Notuptothinkingofacreativeusername's picture

Ooh, ooh, I know this one!

Ooh, ooh, I know this one! The Kinsey Scale is a scale to measure sexuality developed by Dr. Alfred Kinsey. I believe that it's a one through ten scale and one is completely heterosexual and ten is completely homosexual. According to Kinsey, very few people are actually a complete one or a complete ten. (Someone, PLEASE correct me if I'm wrong, this is just my recollection of what little I know about the Kinsey Scale and Kinsey reports)
*me*

underage_thinker's picture

I believe it's actually 1-6,

I believe it's actually 1-6, but I may be wrong...

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wilma wonka's picture

0-6 or 1-7

I've heard that it's either 0-6 or 1-7, this book that I have says it's 0-6.

"gay: cheerful and lighthearted; merry." - The American Heritage Dictionary.

jeff's picture

It's 6.

No doubt.

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Lynn27's picture

Wow they actually developed

Wow they actually developed a 'gay scale'?Sorry.Am I the only one who thinks that's weird?Well I suppose it is usful.Just sora weird.Anyway,

My advice would be to talk to him.Maybe try to find out for sure if he's gay.You could just ask him but if you can't do that then you hint around try to get reactions.But my advice would be wait until you find out if he's gay to tell him anything.

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Screw roses.Send me throns.

jeff's picture

Yeah...

The scale goes to six. Umm, researchers developed it in sexuality studies, it's not like gay people made it up or anything.

But as to DesuCake's concern, first of all, welcome to the site. Glad you found us and are cautiously reaching out for help. We're totally here for you, so whenever you feel alone, know you have people who will help you here.

The most important thing you can do is to just accept yourself. I know that sounds like a lot of vagueness, but self-confidence goes a long way with this stuff. It will help you navigate people finding out and steering things toward a more positive result than if you aren't comfortable in your own skin at that moment. When you eventually come out to your parents, and at some point in your life you will, you want to be a confident, strong person who knows their truth and is not looking for permission or even acceptance, just letting the people in your life know the fullness of who you are, and letting them know the score for them to remain a part of it. (Always remember you are telling them how to stay in your life. Anyone who leaves your life once they find out has pushed YOU away, and not the other way around.)

So, just learn to accept that you are completely beautiful and perfect being bi, and that everything that seems like a huge obstacle now can and will be overcome in due time.

As for your parents, realize there is a huge difference between people who hate "gays" as a group with which they have no interaction, and how much that can change when their own flesh and blood becomes one of that same group. It is very often easy to be against something without any investment, but once you have to face that your hatred is also your son, then it's time to make choices. In most cases, they choose to change, and to give you the love, support, and respect that you are unfortunately lacking from them now.

As for the boy at school, you have to be careful. Hit on one boy and you can easily be out against your will, so don't rush anything. Often the closeted gay boys can be the worst defenders of their own closets, so rather than open their closet doors to you, they can sometimes point you out to take the focus off of them. (which is why anti-gay people at school are very often closet cases, as well).

The important thing to realize is that all good relationships have a good bond of friendship underneath. If you are friends and it gets romantic, or you are romantic first and an underlying friendship builds on top of the romantic feelings, they both have a friendship component.

So, become his friend. If you want to be his boyfriend, friendship is surely a good start. And then, at some point, you'll know that no matter what, if you tell him about you, he will protect your secret. If he has the same secret, then you're off to a good start. If not, you have a supportive friend. So, you win out either way.

Beyond that stuff (although they are all HUGE issues), why are you scared? Keep coming here, and talk to people and we can help you feel better and more comfortable with yourself, your future, and your sexuality. Whenever you're alone, come here. Make friends. Online support can be crucial until you have people in your real life who can get you through these things. And we're here for you.

And Oasis will never e-mail you or anything like that, although you used a fake e-mail, etc., but you'll never get anything from this site in e-mail to worry about anyway (unless you request a password or something). So, just keep track of your cookies, etc., etc., and we'll get you through this.

If you've felt alone up until now, you can stop feeling that way anymore.

Welcome to Oasis.

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"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.

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DesuCake9000Cheez's picture

Thanks...

First of all, I made a typo- I'm 11.
Also, I've always been kind of shy- How should I become his friend without letting him know, or have him think I'm pushing him to be friends with me?
I've also actually been visiting oasis for a while now, looking in the forums and the journals.
Anyways, thanks to all of you. I'll definitely think differently about myself from now.
Another question though-what about older guys? :X
Thanks again,
Anonymous

jeff's picture

Mmm...

You don't really need an excuse to become friendly with someone. Can just join a club you know he's in, or just start saying hi when you pass.

If you have a sense he might be gay, then he's possible just as interested in you saying hi to him remember. Either way, not much to lose there.

You don't need to hide that you're up for being friends, only the other half of the equation (the gay/bi part).

Glad you found Oasis, though.

Define older guys. I'm not sure what "older" means at 11. 13? 18? 40?

I think the younger you are, the closer you should try and stick to your same age, just because adolescence has a lot of emotional maturity things going on, so you dating someone 15 is a huge leap, whereas me (at 39) dating someone 43, albeit also four years difference, is almost inconsequential, since we've long leveled off as far as maturing, etc.

---

"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.

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DesuCake9000Cheez's picture

Hmmm...

By older, I mean about 2 or three years older than me
Also, thanks for the advice :D

jeff's picture

yeah...

That's not too outrageous.

I always think that, at your age, even if you are mature for your age (or just going after somewhat older guys to increase your odds of finding anyone), and you land someone 13 or 14, I still think it will usually mean they are immature for their age. It's usually meeting in the middle, in that regard. :-) So there's that. Not necessarily a bad thing, just something to consider.

Also, might look to see if your city has any sort of gay youth group/P-FLAG. Usually, that means if you're in a bigger city, you may have one. If you're not, you probably don't. To be fair, and you probably know this, at 11 you will likely be the youngest person in attendance even if such a thing exists. For that reason, P-FLAG might be a good option, since you will be around parents and such who will give you a lot of support, moreso than a youth group where you will probably be around older kids.

But, you never know, your local youth group may have a 12 year old who's just waiting for someone younger to show up... You can often find that stuff out on Google. Also, search on Oasis for your city, or one nearby, you might have allies (not to mention dating potential) right on here.

---

"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.

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DesuCake9000Cheez's picture

I guess... but,

I really don't intend on telling my relatives, or anyone, anytime soon. I've located a P-FLAG in my town, but I'm not sure if its possible. I guess I'm still scared about what my parents will think about me. Maybe I'll wait till later. Any advice on Coming out? Or should I wait longer?

jeff's picture

Oh...

I don't know your situation enough to advise coming out. You should only do that stuff if you can get away with it without them knowing, for now.

I think you should spend a little more time building up your self-confidence and self-awareness. If you can get away with it, don't come out, but try not to lie. You know, don't pretend to date girls (just don't tell them you find a guy hot), etc.

---

"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.

Add me on MySpace!

fox333's picture

Good for you for accepting

Good for you for accepting yourself. There were no gay role models in my area, so I never accosiated gay with lesbian or any other gayness. The word to me meant something bad (or so I thought). But I thought gayness was great (even though I didn't really know anything about it. I just thought people were meant to be with someone of the same sex and marriage confused me). So good for you for trying to educate yourself. I just stuck to crushes on about ten of the guys in my grade (for some weird reason as I now am lesbian. I think it was because the girls didn't look like girls. They looked like makeup paintings.)

femmeboi's picture

im still amazed at your age.

im still amazed at your age. the way you write -- you seem way older.

santacruz322's picture

great advice jeff!

I agree with so much of what Jeff has said. YEAH! One thing I would add that we tell the youth we work with about coming out. The first thing we ask is if you would be safe coming out - as in, would your parents hurt you physically, throw you out of the house or cut you off financially? If any of those are the case, then absolutely no, don't come out until you are independent of them. If you know you would be safe but not sure what they will think about you, or how they will treat you emotionally, that is more your choice. This is where Jeff's info about really getting to know yourself and being confident about who you are is the most important thing. There are so many resources out there to help you with that, including this one. Good for you for seeking out information! You are on the right track already.

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santacruz322's picture

BTW

BTW, just the fact that you know what the Kinsey scale is is totally impressive!!!!

I teach workshops at local school districts for students and teachers, and most of the time the majority of them don't know who Kinsey is!

Project Outlet
711 Church Street
Mountain View, CA 94041
650-965-2020 x22
www.projectoutlet.org
outlet@chacmv.org

the mouse that roared's picture

Welcome!

This site was great for me when I was closeted and scared--I had a community and I learned a lot about myself. Eventually it took my coming out and going to a very queer college to fully become comfortable with myself--it can be a long journey.

If you're worried about your parents, I would wait on coming out to them for a bit. Don't pretend you're straight, just don't mention you're queer. If you already have a friend or teacher that seems gay-friendly (you can usually test the waters by bringing up a hot-button issue about gays in general and see what they say), they could be a great support. In middle school, however, a lot of people can be homophobic.

Is there a way you can get to PFLAG without your parents knowing? That would be a great resource for you! I bet you're pretty scared about going there right now, but the sooner you're part of a community like that, the better you will feel.

No one has a right to sit down and feel hopeless; there is too much work to do.--Dorothy Day

DesuCake9000Cheez's picture

No...

Sadly, there's probably not. T-T

fox333's picture

well hang in there you can

well hang in there you can do it! *hugs*

oldfoxbob's picture

P-Flag

A friend of my sons found that if he went to the Library to study, his parents dropped him off, and then picked him up later. He did this for several months then following dropped off he would then go to the Pflag meeting near by. Is that an option for you to get to the meetings? Just an Idea. Also you could go to the "Library" with a friend for awhile then continue but no friend to go with.
Jeff has given you some great advise. Take your time, you have your whole life ahead of you and 11 is not a great age to get kicked out of the house at all. However another resource is the local Gay resource center if there is one in your city. If not there may be one in a near by city or the Capital of the State you live in. Another place to turn to for help and information.
As far as older guys, stay close to your own age group for now. Later in life if you still like older men then after you turn 18 you can make that decision on your own.
Good luck
Oldfoxbob

Genius is not a sign of intelligence, but rather
that of common sense. Humor is the best pain pill.

centerfielder08's picture

remember that we are here

remember that we are here for you.

jeff's picture

FYI...

This thread was from April of last year.

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