"I am just a worthless liar, I am just an imbecile"

the_loser's picture

I hate to be emo. But I truly do hate myself. I hate myself for loving. Stupid teenage hormones! stupid stupid STUPID! Why would I let myself fall this far if I knew I'd have to end it? I don't know. I thought I was strong enough, but I guess I'm not. It's become too much. It's to the point where it's unbearable, I can't take it. Most of the time I can be ok, but it's time like these that makes me want it to stop. I hate crushes. Stupid crush. I'm so so so sooo stupid. Basically I'm just going to have to forget. It's going to be extremely hard and I don't know if I will be able to do it but I think I must because it'll kill me one way or another :/
Sometimes I wish I had a friend. A real close friend that I can just hang out with and share my feelings with, maybe, only sometimes. It's not that I don't have a best friend, I do, she's a good friend. But I hardly ever talk to her and she's busy a lot with school and other things. I really hate to tell her all my problems that seem so small and insignifigant and her problems are greater than mine. Plus she wouldn't understand. I'm bi and she's straight and wow that would be akward explaining my feelings that she has no clue about, ha. I do plan on telling her I'm bi though, that might make me feel a little better that I can tell someone close.

On a happier note, besides being an emo angst-filled teenager with raging hormones, I'm doing pretty good. Things are going alright and I have nothing to worry or complain about. I just hate loving my crush. It makes me feel utterly retarded. Falling for someone you could never ever in a gagillion years be with or even think about that way. *sigh* Oh well, I'll get past it, hopefully.

Dedication to le crush:

go away
and youll never hear me say
what hides inside my head
what secrets make me dead
and how screwed up i am
but go away
and i can try to live

i know the feeling isnt doubt
i want to tell you but
the words, they wont come out
but if youll look at me and see
you will hear me and believe
that this is only me
and if you go away
it will bring me peace

i want to show you
the love i have to give
and what i have to share
but i think that you might hate me
if i said i really cared
so you can go away
and end my own despair

the dreams that i have built
hold no meaning when youre here
but i dont mind at all,
its begun to disappear
and if youll go away
i can make it clear

go away
because you only make it hard
go away
because you make me fall apart
go away
because you only break my heart

once you leave
i can be okay
but while youre here
you kill me everyday
and i only wish
my feelings wouldnt stay

i can try to save myself
before it finally ends
before youll ever know
the feelings knotted up inside
the reason im not alive
its all because of you
my world is a lie

go away
i will be alright.