I had a really weird vivid dream last night.
I thought about it and figured out that the feelings I had felt in the dream me and the fact that I would shake for no reason was what my mind views how a withdrawal would go.
I realized that I could end up like that in the future and in a sick way I want to see if it will really happen.
My crush has been talking about getting a girlfriend.
I've just noticed that I get jealous when other girls flirt with her or she talks about drunken make out sessions and things like that.
I don't think I'll be okay if she actually gets a gf.
I didn't treat her how I normally do when we hung out the other day.
She noticed I was acting different but I blamed it on being sober.
I tried to not kiss her goodbye when I left but she gave me such a confused almost worried look as I was walking out the door I turned around and gave her one.
I don't know what she thinks we are but its hurting me more each day because it looks like we will only ever be really close friends.
On a different note I got my tongue pierced about a week ago and I'm very happy with it.
Its something I've been waiting to do since I was about 9.
Today is weird well I guess I should say yesterday as its now early Wednesday morning.
I would stare off into space and my mind would go blank, or I would think about cutting.
I did give in to that urge, I'm out of cigarettes and thats how I normally keep the want to cut at bay.
I also thought about getting pregnant.
I know it would totally ruin my life and that I'm not even close to being mature enough to raise a baby but I don't know.
I was talking to my mum the other day about it and asked her , since I'm still three months away from being twenty and she was about this age when my brother was born, if she would get mad at me.
She said no.
She then said just because she wouldn't get mad doesn't mean I should go out and do it.
I'm not going to I know myself well enough to know that.
But it was still on my mind a lot so I had to get it out.
Another day of picking her up from school today.
And fighting the cravings for coke.
I should probably go to sleep now.
Have to be up in 4 hours anyway to get shit around the house done and animals taken care of.