I've come to realize the trials and tribulations that come with love. Yes, their are many and you are indeed a fool if you do not believe me. For nearly three years I lied to myself about who I was because of one girl. I lied because she told me who I was and forced me to recite her words daily. She loved me after all, how could I not believe the words she was having me say. I hide myself and hoped one day I would become that person I pretended to be. IT doesn't work like that as many of us know. No one can hide who they are. I screamed at the top of my lungs to all that would listen, "I Rachel Marie am a lesbian." I could not have been more wrong.
Oh no, do not think I am saying I'm straight, though I still believe I would live an easier life if I was, I'm merely realizing I'm not as gay as I thought. I can't see it as bisexuality, I loathe that word. I love anyone. It's love, how can someone label that? I didn't like lesbian either, it never fit me. But now I find that I can't reach towards a label at all. I don't identify with my bisexual friends. My lesbian friends would never understand this and my straight friends are all of the penis sub-human species and find gay men icky and lesbians sexy when both girls are hot.
I am no longer with the girl I once pledged my love to. SHe abandoned me for her own selfish reasons, but I can't see her understanding the impact of causing me to lose my indentity had. Why, over my summer holiday, I cheated on her with one of my closest male friends. (I did come clean about this almost as soon as it happened). Or why my cutting escaladed only after we started dating and has only vanished since our break up. In all reality, our break up saved me and I should be thanking her for freeing me of her.
I'm still not sure who I am. It's part of living in a world where labels matter. For now I choose not to live under one single label. I'm a lover, I don't see it as a label so much as a lifestyle. If I can love people of either sex, doesn't than mean I am doing the world a favour?