plodding along... nick the heffalump.

scandalboy's picture

i miss him at the most inconvenient times. i'll be fine, then BOOM!, i get hit in the face with a dragging feeling in my guts and chest. i miss him, the way his body felt, his smell, the little grin he'd get on his face, his eyes, hands... the little gay accent he gets on some words that makes me smile to myself. the little things, in other words. sometimes i just ache for his touch, to be lying in bed with him. i miss his sweet nature and thoughtfulness. i want so badly to be intimate with him just one more time, because i worship his body. i want to give him pleasure, to hear him moan and see him close his eyes.

but then when i think about that, i remember the pain it caused him as well, how afterwards he was nearly crying, and he got so closed off. but then he sighed and apologised to me, because it wasn't my fault, or his. but i was so wrapped up in my own mind, so turned on by him, i just couldnt stop myself from touching and holding and kissing. even when i wasn't getting anything in return. i love him. i really do. im moving on, but sometimes i just plummet back to earth, hit the ground with such force that i'm devastated and dont know what to do.

everyone's been saying how time heals wounds and such, and i beleive them. its just that sometimes the scab just gets ripped off sometimes without warning, and i feel like i'm bleeding all over, just like i was this time last week.
and i didnt mean to sound so emo-like in that last part.
and i've been emotionally eating, stuffing my face to fill a void. hopefully i can just purge that up later.


Ricky-chan72's picture


I know how you feel. *hug* I'm going through the same sort of thing. It hurts. And moving on is hard. But you can do it, I know I'm starting to, little by little.
--"The reason I can pursue something with no fear... is because I'm afraid to go without it."-- Shuichi, Gravitation--