when drugs have become such a large part of your life.
4/20 was supposed to be my last day smoking pot.
I smoked a bowel before I came home tonight.
The thing is I don't really care that I broke that to myself.
I don't really care about much now a days.
And I have mad craveings for coke right now.
Its such an amazing high..
I might break down.
I was clean for a month.
But I did a little..
after I slept with her cousin.
It made that fuck up not seem so bad.
I don't know why I decided to do that.
Since her cousin is a boy and I get nothing out of it.
I suppose thats what attoral and three energy drinks on an empty stomach will do to you.
I need to go to sleep.
Another day of walking down to meet her at school when it gets out tomorrow.
The way I act is how her boyfriend should treat her.
The fact that I'll never be her girlfriend kills me more each day.
I don't know,
Maybe its because I pretty much act like I'm her girlfriend that she wants us to stay the way we are.
I'm done with it though.
Easier said than done.
Especially since I think I'm in love with her.
Oh but I wrote this the other day.
While consoling her about her parents.
Tell me what you get from it I guess.
I hate seeing her so upset. It kills me every time a tear falls from her beautiful blue eyes. She shouldn't be in so much pain so young. I want to take it all away. Make her suffering my own. I'd give anything to make her smile reach her eyes again. I wish I could end it all. Give her her wings back and set her free. The pain of that would probably kill me but for her it would be worth it.
I'm not sure what I was babbling on there.
I was really high at the time of its writing.
Much too sober now.
I hope I can get some type of fix tomorrow.