I wrote this mad long letter to my parents coming out as transsexual transmale FTM whatever whatever. I held back my emotions and refused to let myself feel anything at all when I sent it, because I was scared to feel much about it because I was so scared of what they were going to think. After I sent it, it felt surreal- I was staying over my friend's house, who lives near our college, and it was empty save him and me. He spent the whole time playing Doom in the basement, I spent the whole time on the top floor agonizing over the letter.
I've been feeling a lot like I'm about to collapse, lately. Sometimes, walking just to the dining hall, I feel like at any moment I will fall to the ground and my cheeks and fingers will smash into the dirt. I feel mostly impatient in a confused sort of way. I feel empty like I feel when I haven't eaten all day, and I get to the dining hall and it won't open for another five minutes- empty with both generic-hunger-emptiness and the added time-dragging anticipation for being full. Like the last half hour of work feels, which drags on for longer than all the other hours combined.
I need to be home. I need to be somewhere safe, and secluded. I need to get away from being around other people. I'm a final fantasy character, and I just did my overdrive attack. I've got nothing, right now. No HP and no MP and absolutely NO temper. I don't want to deal with anyone.
A lot of my friends are going through big events, right now. One of my friends just lost her sister. Another of my friends is having a difficult break-up with a many-years boyfriend. I wish everyone could just go home- nobody wants to be here (at college) anymore. Everyone has stuff to deal with, and nobody wants to deal with anyone else's stuff.
I wasn't rejected. That's the good news. My parents called today, and I missed the call- but called them back and talked for a while. I didn't really say much at all. My mom had a lot of weird things to say ("I'm going to take this one day at a time"), that made me kind of uncomfortable. My dad had a few hippie things to say ("I think your baby soul chose us, because you knew we would love you and help you no matter what you grew into") that I really liked hearing, that made me feel good. They both cried a LOT, and told me I was brave and stuff for telling them. Then my mom totally changed the subject to talk about totally random stuff, which was also weird, albeit understandable.
I'm glad for that. My dad is 100%. That's an enormous blessing. My mom's heart is in it- I think she is trying to get there. That's also an enormous blessing. She's a super feminist. I'm sure she's having lots of difficulty especially with the concept of surgery. I'm praying niether of them go into the mourning-a-lost-child place, and that if they do they get through it quickly. My parents really mean a lot to me, and I want this to be as easy for them as it can possibly be.
I hate being in school during this. I don't want my teachers and school administration to get involved in this: my private life. Eventually, they'll have to, because stuff will be changing, and this is a tiny, tiny college. I know that's a bit in the future, but I've got it on my mind.
I'm caught between not wanting to have to explain anything to anyone, and wanting everyone around me to understand.
Anyway, though, it was much more excellent than I expected.
I really feel like God is watching over me.