War inside my head

the ghost's picture

I'll probably keep this journal brief as it is almost 1:30am and I have college tomorrow.I just really need to blog a bit because I think I am going crazy.I know I have been around and around in circles with my feelings on being gay,wanting to be out,not wanting to be out,not being sure of anything etc...I also know I have recieved some very good advice on the subject and what to do about it on this site.But I seem to still find myself completely stuck.

Things have gotten to the point where I am so worried about people noticing I am gay that I am worrying about my clothes incase they look too gay.Even as I type this I am cringing at myself.I know this is all ridiculus.But it seems to be where I am at with this.I am glad I have told the friends that I have told,but part of me also hates it.Like when I am sitting in college and my friend keeps asking me if I fancy her blah blah blah.I probably shouldn't be too hard on him,he is just being a typical guy about it I think.Though he has been very supportive.

I think ultimatly I just need to come out completely because I am also feeling so much guilt over the friends,who are very good friends,but whom I haven't told.Like when the guy I just mentioned above mentions it,I feel a stab of guilt that I haven't told my other college friend,and it all feels so messed up.But I am sort of scared that when I do tell everyone that I will still feel just as crappy about it as I do now,and all this fear and paranoia has turned me into a crazy person I feel.

Today I don't think I liked myself very much, or who I was being.I was having a singing lesson and I have known my teacher for a long time,and lately I have noticed myself acting like this person that is a bit of an idiot/smartass in my lessons.I don't do it on purpose.I think I just try too hard to put across the idea that I am ok,I am a normal happy person.But really I am trying too hard to cover up and I think it started to show a little.

Then when I was queing for the bus on the way home I was thinking about everything,and for minute I considered just ending it all.I know killing myself is not the answer,and I would never carry through on it.But just for a minute I was thinking about it.I find myself doing that from time to time lately.But I know nothing is worth doing that.

Anyways I am rambling now and need some sleep.So goodnight Oasis.

Comments

pomegranate's picture

I used to be really

feminine with my fashion sense, and I think it was partly because I thought I had to be/wanted to fit in...and on a subconscious level, didn't want to dress like a *gasp* lesbian! But since becoming more comfortable with my sexuality, I've also become more comfortable with dressing however I want to. I don't always wear makeup, and I like baggy jeans and I love, love, love hats! That being said, sometimes I'm also scared that I look too gay. Other times I like that I look gay, and still other times I worry that I don't look gay enough. So I don't think it's ridiculous to obsess/worry about the way you dress. Almost every lesbian I know (that would be about 3 - haha) does this to a certain extent, whether trying to look gay or trying to tone it down.

As for the coming out, stop putting pressure on yourself! It will only make it harder. There's no need to feel guilty that you've told some ppl and haven't told others - it's all about what you feel comfortable doing. And hopefully, if they're kind-hearted, mature, understanding people, the friends you haven't told will realize that it's nothing personal against them that they weren't the first to know.

Finally, it's totally ok if you're not jumping up and down for joy to be gay. I think that being scared and worried is perfectly normal because it's not an easy thing to be and fully accepting it is a process.

You say you're 'stuck,' but if my opinion counts for anything even though I'm an ocean away and only know you from a computer screen, I'd say you're doing fine. See, I don't think a person can be 'stuck' if they're acknowledging their feelings, coming out to a select few, etc. Yeah, it may be slow, but trust me - faster isn't always better.
Time is on your side!
Hopefully you'll feel better in the morning:)

the ghost's picture

Thank you

I did wake up feeling a bit better.Thank you for the advice,it has reassured me that I'm not completely mental.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent-Eleanor Roosevelt