i know i shouldn't. i can help it, but i don't. it's like the junkie looking for just one more fix. a food addict drooling over just one more big mac. one more fuck. one more kiss. one more touch. one more look.
i don't even try to drag myself away anymore, it's too much effort to pull myself from the depths to stagger back to the shores, only to be yanked under by the riptide of her smile. waves of her laughter crash through me like hailstones. my arms ache from trying to swim away and all reasoning has failed at this point. half-heartedly, i try to cajole myself into believing...this time. i'm not going to pay attention to her this time. i'm not going to giggle when she says something silly, this time. i will not give in this time. but it's no use. i float back into the great, wide ocean of insecurities, self-loathing, and wishes that will never, ever come true.
if i tried i could find someone. someone good for me. someone who doesn't make me lose my breath everytime they smile. someone who make perfectly laughable jokes and almost knows the just right thing to say. someone whose eyes don't rip through me like bits of broken bottle. whose laugh isn't like a drug, whose hair feels nearly feels like silk. whose heart would be so easy to keep intact.
i dunno why i keep trying. maybe i'm just masochistic.
maybe i'm just in love.