I can't go back to where I used to be

the ghost's picture

I wish I was only 18 or 19 again.I wish I could go back and change where I was and the decisions I made.I wish I could go back with what I know now and change things.That is what I do I look back and think why didn't I do things differently.I wish I had known so much more than I did.

Then I look at my life now and I know I am going to look back to this time and think why did I do this that and the other.I am either looking back regretting or looking to the future worrying about the things I have the chance to control now,yet don't for some reason.It's like I have some sort of block...stopping me...holding me back and I don't know what it is.

I am restless and bored and also really busy right now.I am not really sure what I want.Mostly just for things to be different.I know I have the power to make them different but I don't really know where to start.I feel lost.I am in some in-between place.I'm 22, I really thought I would have a better grip on life at this point.But I feel like I have barely even begun to live it.

I think I remember reading a comment a while ago from Jeff saying that a person's life doesn't really start until they come-out,and I am thinking maybe he is right.

I know there is more to me than being gay.But right now it feels magnified and all I can think about.

Comments

thinks's picture

Answers?

I don't know what the answers to your feelings regarding your status based on what you have decided or will decide, but I can say, as a person who has come out to at least a good amount of people, it didn't feel like it solved anything.

I'm not trying to tell you to not come out, it's your choice, but I am saying that it will only grant a little more freedom, unless you go TOTALLY out, and even then I imagine your world would not be an easier place. That's just what I, Mr. me, numero uno, thinks, and I am just a single person.

I know its not helping you to tell you to think about the outcome of coming out, and I can't tell you/help you find a purpose of sorts, but I still think you should think about the outcome of coming out. It sounds like(and I'm not trying to be rude or anything negative) you're trying to find something that will quickly fulfill your desire to meet this need your missing, but that your doing it in a rash way.

Anyways, I feel like I need to shut my trap, let me know if I helped or at least yell at me if I didn't.

jeff's picture

Good!

You should never go back to where you used to be. Mainly because, you can't.

Regretting your past is a waste of time. Literally. You are spending your present doing nothing whenever you do it, thus preventing yourself from building a future. Plus, I hate to tell you, no matter how old you are in life, you'll always be able to go back and make better decisions in hindsight. So, get out of that pattern ASAP. There is only today. What could you do today that will make you more the person you want to be? Whatever the answer is... Do that. The past already happened.

The block holding you back... is you. The call is almost always coming from inside the house.

Yeah, at 22, there's no legitimate reason you need to be closeted. Time to come out.

You may have it backwards, though. Coming out will ultimately make gay as boring as you want it to be. Not coming out makes it the main thing about you.

---

"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.

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pomegranate's picture

As far as having

regrets about the past, I think it's just part of the human condition - like Jeff said. I know I've felt that way before, but there's nothing that can be done. That's why they say that youth is wasted on the young. But anyways, what i'm trying to say in this long winded round about way is you're not alone.
As for the things blocking you - I know I feel completely blocked in my relationships with the people I'm not out to yet. Everytime I make a new friend (which has been happening quite a bit lately, at least compared to before) part of me thinks "oh great....how am I going to tell so and so."
But you just have to do it, and I think thinking about it probably causes more grief than actually saying it.
Finally, don't worry too much! It's not like at 22 you're an old maid! You have your whole life ahead of you still!