I wish I was only 18 or 19 again.I wish I could go back and change where I was and the decisions I made.I wish I could go back with what I know now and change things.That is what I do I look back and think why didn't I do things differently.I wish I had known so much more than I did.
Then I look at my life now and I know I am going to look back to this time and think why did I do this that and the other.I am either looking back regretting or looking to the future worrying about the things I have the chance to control now,yet don't for some reason.It's like I have some sort of block...stopping me...holding me back and I don't know what it is.
I am restless and bored and also really busy right now.I am not really sure what I want.Mostly just for things to be different.I know I have the power to make them different but I don't really know where to start.I feel lost.I am in some in-between place.I'm 22, I really thought I would have a better grip on life at this point.But I feel like I have barely even begun to live it.
I think I remember reading a comment a while ago from Jeff saying that a person's life doesn't really start until they come-out,and I am thinking maybe he is right.
I know there is more to me than being gay.But right now it feels magnified and all I can think about.