I need help.

Ricky-chan72's picture

I thought I broke free of this little cycle of feeling hopeless and depressed, but now I feel just as horrible as before, if not worse.

I feel like I've lost all hope...in anything.

I don't see any point to life anymore. I don't see why I should keep living.

I contemplate doing drastic things...killing myself, or running away, or hurting someone...because I need attention. Everything hurts.

I even doubt religion now. I wonder why Goddess doesn't help me when I ask, almost plead to her...maybe I grovel too much. They say that's a bad thing. But I really can't help it. There's just so much pain.

It's like there's a dark raincloud over my head, and it won't stop following me. Maybe this is just the way it has to be. But why? What did I do to deserve this? I'll admit, I'm not a saint, but I've never done anything that would result in this sort of karmic backlash. Then again, maybe I'm wrong, I dunno.

I feel so alone. It's like, no matter how many times people say, "Don't worry, I'm here for you", I still feel alone. I feel like I have no one... My parents can't know about this, they'll disown me. I hardly see my friends anymore. People at school make me feel worse. There's no point in going to a shrink, they'll just put me on meds and that'll be it. And as I said earlier, I doubt religion now. So where else can I go?

I ask so many questions and receive no answers.
I feel trapped in a world full of suffering and hate.
I feel forced to walk down a path, alone, towards my own destruction. This is my life.
And sometimes, I wish it would just end.

Comments

fatefellshort's picture

=[ I'm sorry you have to go

=[ I'm sorry you have to go through this shit. I'd say I know how you feel but I know it always annoys me when people say that to me ~ no one could possibly understand.
As for the going on living: try picking things/events to look forward to. Once you get there, pick a new one. Also think about good memories (if this helps you) from the past, how likely it is that there will be more of those in the future, and killing yourself would obliterate them.

If worst comes to worst, don't kill yourself because of all the others it would hurt.

Cognitive therapy can sometimes do wonders ~ you could go to therapy without going on antidepressants or anything dangerous like that. Although I'll admit it is expensive..

Peace & Love

jeff's picture

Hmm...

I would just question the reality of your situation. You speak as though everything is certain, fixed, and unchangeable. And you may certain feel that it is, but that is just how you choose to perceive reality and you refuse to think otherwise.

You're in the driver's seat here. You're staying on this path that you dislike. You keep doing the things that trigger these feelings. Higher powers aren't supposed to fix your life, but rather give you the confidence to grab the reigns on your life and rules on how to be a good person while doing it.

Oftentimes, you get too fixated on what you perceive to be God's help. It's like the old joke: "A religious man climbs up onto his roof when a flood hit, praying for God to save him. A boat came by, and he waved them off: "Save someone else, God will save me." A helicopter came by; same thing. The flood waters rose higher, and he drowned. Finally face-to-face with God, he demanded, "Why didn't you save me when I prayed?" God sighed. "I sent a boat, I sent a helicopter..."

Religion is worth doubting, because that is the name for how different people commoditize God. Spirituality is the goal. Eckhart Tolle was contemplating suicide at one point, which he talked about on the excellent 10-part video or audio podcast he did with Oprah for his book, "A New Earth." The podcasts are free, though, so maybe check them out. I liked them a lot, and it brought spiritual growth.

Life is often a battle between your truth and your ego (I'm using the term ego to mean who you have believed yourself to be through years of other's influence, and your own conditioning). You started to change your life for the better, pursued love, started to feel better about yourself, post cute photos on your MySpace, etc, but your ego sees that as lessening its power, because if your life becomes about love, joy, friendship, etc., then you will bring about the end of its reign. So, it is fighting you, and right now, it seems to be winning.

Can't say more, since you gave no specifics in your post. But posting here is good. The person who posted that wants change, doesn't want suffering, and that is the version of you I know, the version that will win this battle. People reach out to you because they've seen that side of you. I've seen it before, and I've never met you. You have to choose what to let in and what to reject.

I love you, Ricky.

What do you do with that statement? Do you wonder if I would love you if I truly knew you, or do you just take it in and accept it? That's the choice life offers you every day, and you're likely making the wrong ones. In this example, it's true and, besides that, it isn't your place to decide if I love you, so that's fixed. You only get to take it in and accept it, if you choose properly.

Every opportunity in life gives you two options at least. But for this sake, you seem to be accepting darkness and rejecting light. It sounds basic, simple, and stupid, but just switch gears.

If you believe in God, you should also believe you are here to do amazing things, to improve humanity, and radiate your joy to everyone around you. You know how to live that. You quit a job because it went against your morality.

So, everything comes down to a choice. Whenever you feel like you did when you posted this, you can feel that life is against you (easy, blameless), or that you hit a bad spell after a large number of you personally making bad choices that have manifested into this mood.

So, grab the reigns, bitch.

Getting attention and drastic action won't change your life, not in any positive way.

---

"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.

Add me on MySpace!

Splash's picture

hang in there...

...you can make it.

The first two comments have pretty much covered the bases, so I just want you to know I care about what happens to you, too. Don't give up! It only takes one thing to look forward to, or one person who can make you smile, for you to have a reason to hope. You sound like you really want to be happy, and hope is the first step to getting there.

By the way... attention will do you no good if you are dead. Why send your pain on to everyone who loves you? You can get through this. Happiness can even seem richer once you do make it out of the dark places. And I believe in your ability to do that.

Love and huge e-hugs. <3

~~~ the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses ~ e e cummings ~~~

Rachel_Girl's picture

Be Still

Have you tried meditating? I know it sounds like, wtf, but sometimes just being still for a bit, and not the depressed still, but the active still, with no tv on, no books, no nothing. And just clear your mind, breathe. It might help give you the strength to make it through the day. Take it one day at a time. And at the end of each day go over what you're thankful for that day, (i.e. what friends showed they cared, who/what got you to smile, what tv show, that person who smiled at you on the street, that piece of chocolate) and it's a hard thing to do, when you're depressed, your gonna wanna think that there is nothing, you have to force yourself think of something.

There was a French existential philopher Camus who said to ask every morning: Why shouldn't I kill myself today? I disagree I think the question should be: What do I have to live for today? What am I going to live for today?

Having someone to talk to helps alot, even if it is a therapist. They're nice people for the most part and they want to help. It is expensive like fatefellshort wrote, but it might becovered by your insurance, if you have it. And if you can't afford insurance you might qualify for Medicaid and that would pay for therapy.
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Love Happens