i want to give up

duct tape godess's picture

aparently i am disgusting
caz everyone knows that being gay is the most horible plage on this earth
i cant fucking take this shit anymore
i just want to give up
i am never happy anymore
my "best friend" who says she will always be there for me yet never is is now mad at me for not being there for her
and when i need her its because i am about to break down even harder then the last time
she talks to me for a minute then says ill talk to you later
or does not awnser my calls
or sometimes she is the cause of my deep seeded self hate
but that does not really matter
if thats all that was going on in my life i would be fine
but no
its not
i have to go through each day smileing and laughing as i fight away the memory loseing my childhood at age 4 to my cusin who repetedly raped me untill i was 7
then sinking deeper into the painful self hate when yet another person i trusted did the same from when i was 6-10
or my first suicide atempt at 6
or the one person i ever trusted telling me she used me, she never loved me and i was pathetic for ever thinking it
but to be honest i could be fine if that was all i had to go through
but its not
it never is
my mother who i love more then anyone could inagine thinks that everything i am is disgusting
she hates gays
and i know if i told her i would be hated even more then i already am
i cant do anything right for her
i am not smart enough
i am not able to do anything
let alone everything she expects
i try so hard at everything i do
to be completly honest i wish my grandpa's forceful sugestion was taken
he wanted me aborted in the first place
and now we get to the father i never had
he used me to fuck with my mothers emotions
he told me i was his little bear
and i loved him more then i understude until he got drunk and told me how i did not ever matter to him
how does someone tell an 8 year old girl that you hate her
how does someone say it to there daughter
and yet i still stuck up for him when my sister brother and mother proclamed there hate for him
when he was drunk i made sure my brother and him did not kill each other
i dont think i could begin to tell you all the shit i have to go through
i have to smile through
im 14 years old!
i dont understand how my life can keep geting worse
the only thing that keeps me from giveing up is the hurt it would put on my family
and sometimes it feels like thats not enough...

Comments

masochist's picture

i know the feeling very

i know the feeling very well...i'm going through hell right now to and i think about giving up every day, but my family is really only the thing that keeps me going and i've found that is enough. all i can say is juss hang in there no matter howpainful it is it seems yer family loves and cares for u.trust me things will start lookin good for ya soon

jeff's picture

err...

The rape stuff sounds like you need therapy to work through that with a professional. That isn't stuff that just heals well with time. Probably also has bearing on your ability to work through a lot of the other stuff, too...

---

"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.

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Neutrina's picture

Don't give up! You seem like

Don't give up! You seem like a really amazing and really strong person.
Seconding Jeff - find someone (professional) you can talk to. If you've survived until now, you can keep going.

And sooner or later, things will get better, and then not giving up will be worth it.

"She's a mystery
She's too much for me
But I keep coming back for more
She's just the girl I'm looking for"
-The Click Five "Just the Girl"

Fiona Rosge's picture

wow, heres me sounding-idk

wow, heres me sounding-idk what do i sound like by saying this?-somthing but you really should try and find someone to talk to about this. your probably like "me go to counseling?ya right!" trust me i was there, i would punch the 1st person that told me i should go but when i started thinking about hurting myself i told myself i had to go and so far i think it may be helping just being able to talk to someone with this you know?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Come Josephine in my flying machine
Going up she goes up she goes
Balance yourself like a bird on a beam
In the air she goes there she goes
Up, up, a little bit higher
Oh, my, the moon is on fire
Good-by