My ex-girlfriend walked into the dining hall this morning, walked into brunch with a girl at her side.
Her one and only best friend is in Mongolia, so it's not like this girl is a friend. As far as I can tell.
It has been... how many months? Since last October. And, despite that we only dated three weeks, this new girl bothers me. I guess I had sort of just expected her to be there if I ever did want to date her again. Like, I decided she was mature enough, she was over her other ex, was all ready to date me and would actually be a good girlfriend.
I still care about her a lot, even though she says things that annoy me sometimes, even though she totally fucked up with our relationship, even though I pretend she doesn't exist whenever I'm in the same room as her. We tried to be friends after we broke up, but I was a wreck because I was still attracted to her, despite her being immature and despite how she treated me. We have a connection, we can understand each other, our friendship/relationship goes much deeper than with anyone else I know at college. Life is boring and gray without her around. As I started ditching her this semester, she still tried to be friends, but eventually she took the hint and gave up, I guess.
She treated me wrong when I was with her: she had huge mood swings, smiling one moment and crying the next, talking about her ex, once even telling me I wouldn't be able to find anyone else who'd want to date me. I wasn't even sure I wanted to have sex with her, but I mean, it was my first relationship, I'd never even made out with anyone before, and we didn't get farther than that. She totally manipulated me. I was kind of in denial about all her problems when I was with her, but I was really happy--until I realized that she really was still into her ex, and I got jealous and we broke up.
I was miserable being friends with her because I still wanted to be with her, and all our chemistry just reminded me of it constantly. When I went home for vacations, I got over it much more quickly--there wasn't the pressure to call her up and see her. But going back to school, it was there all over again.
So I stopped talking to her, hoping that would help me get over her. I missed her so much. Now I'm depressed because I feel like none of my friendships are fulfilling, really. When I do run into her and can't avoid talking to her, she talks about how settled she is, or how she won some playwriting award, and I hate her. For being happy. Though I know she has mood swings, and she maybe hasn't really found her niche. At least she has a best friend, you know? But clearly, I'm not happy without talking to her. She probably knows I still care--I told her I stop talking to people I haven't gotten over. I've utterly cut myself off though. She's completely within her rights to find someone else. I won't even talk to her. Besides, it was so long ago.
I just feel terrible. It would be better if I had someone else. But everyone I'm interested in is unavailable, and everyone interested in me I'm not attracted to. All my friends are getting girlfriends. I feel unwanted, sexually deprived, alone. For some irrational reason, I expected my ex to be frozen in some sort of pining for me or something. All ready for me to go back to--for me to resist going back to. But she's moved on, had to move on. I'm cutting off everyone I could possibly care about. Am I too picky? Maybe. I know she didn't give me everything I wanted, but everything else here doesn't give me anything.
I'm supposed to be doing the rejecting.