The ex, again.

the mouse that roared's picture

My ex-girlfriend walked into the dining hall this morning, walked into brunch with a girl at her side.

Her one and only best friend is in Mongolia, so it's not like this girl is a friend. As far as I can tell.

It has been... how many months? Since last October. And, despite that we only dated three weeks, this new girl bothers me. I guess I had sort of just expected her to be there if I ever did want to date her again. Like, I decided she was mature enough, she was over her other ex, was all ready to date me and would actually be a good girlfriend.

I still care about her a lot, even though she says things that annoy me sometimes, even though she totally fucked up with our relationship, even though I pretend she doesn't exist whenever I'm in the same room as her. We tried to be friends after we broke up, but I was a wreck because I was still attracted to her, despite her being immature and despite how she treated me. We have a connection, we can understand each other, our friendship/relationship goes much deeper than with anyone else I know at college. Life is boring and gray without her around. As I started ditching her this semester, she still tried to be friends, but eventually she took the hint and gave up, I guess.

She treated me wrong when I was with her: she had huge mood swings, smiling one moment and crying the next, talking about her ex, once even telling me I wouldn't be able to find anyone else who'd want to date me. I wasn't even sure I wanted to have sex with her, but I mean, it was my first relationship, I'd never even made out with anyone before, and we didn't get farther than that. She totally manipulated me. I was kind of in denial about all her problems when I was with her, but I was really happy--until I realized that she really was still into her ex, and I got jealous and we broke up.

I was miserable being friends with her because I still wanted to be with her, and all our chemistry just reminded me of it constantly. When I went home for vacations, I got over it much more quickly--there wasn't the pressure to call her up and see her. But going back to school, it was there all over again.

So I stopped talking to her, hoping that would help me get over her. I missed her so much. Now I'm depressed because I feel like none of my friendships are fulfilling, really. When I do run into her and can't avoid talking to her, she talks about how settled she is, or how she won some playwriting award, and I hate her. For being happy. Though I know she has mood swings, and she maybe hasn't really found her niche. At least she has a best friend, you know? But clearly, I'm not happy without talking to her. She probably knows I still care--I told her I stop talking to people I haven't gotten over. I've utterly cut myself off though. She's completely within her rights to find someone else. I won't even talk to her. Besides, it was so long ago.

I just feel terrible. It would be better if I had someone else. But everyone I'm interested in is unavailable, and everyone interested in me I'm not attracted to. All my friends are getting girlfriends. I feel unwanted, sexually deprived, alone. For some irrational reason, I expected my ex to be frozen in some sort of pining for me or something. All ready for me to go back to--for me to resist going back to. But she's moved on, had to move on. I'm cutting off everyone I could possibly care about. Am I too picky? Maybe. I know she didn't give me everything I wanted, but everything else here doesn't give me anything.

I'm supposed to be doing the rejecting.

Comments

missundastood's picture

Ok...so u remind me of

Ok...so u remind me of myself.Seriously.My ex girl broke up with me around 3 months back and i still cant say that im 100% over her. I mean,sure,i much better now...i dunt suffer from the depression i once had...but now when i look at her...she's so bloody happy and content in her life without me.It was annoying at first and it really used to prick...but now,im used to it,you know? Plus she was my best friend too...now ive lost that too and it was totally a MAJOR shock for me to lose my love and best friend at the same time. And my ex was a emotional manipulator,an emotional crippler,demoralizing...ALL the fucking bad things.

The thing is,ex's suck. As far as possible,dont think about her. Avoid getting into deep conversations with her...If avoiding her helps,so that also.Dont let her happiness bring u down.Seriously. You have no need to feel lonely...Im sure u'll find someone better :-)

The moment u start feeling bad for urself, remember me.remember that even i went through CRAP[if not worse] and u are not alone.What u went through and are going through,many people went through and are probably going through in many parts of this world[me,for example].
It doesnt suck when u know there are people suffering the same too :-)
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Let's get one thing straight, I'm not.